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Handout for "LGBTQIA+ - We have questions.

Posted: February 24, 2021

Slide 1
LGBTQA+
We Have
Questions www.anufs.org
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 2
For this
session • Your questions are welcome, and
please type them in the Q and A.
We have time to answer all of
them at the end.
• Thanks for being here!
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 3
Our
session
includes:
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Slide 4
What LGBTQIA+ Means
• Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Pansexual, Transgender, Genderqueer, Queer, Intersexed,
Agender, Asexual, and Ally community.
• Queer – An umbrella term which embraces a matrix of sexual preferences,
orientations, and habits of the not-exclusively- heterosexual-and-monogamous
majority.
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Slide 5
Risks: Identity
and overrepresentation
in the system
Several studies have found that LGBT
young people are overrepresented in
child welfare systems, due to likely
being underreported because they
risk harassment and abuse if their
LGBT identity is disclosed.
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Slide 6
The chances
of ending up
in foster care
or homeless
• About 26 percent of LGBT2 youth are
forced from their homes because of
conflicts with their families of origin
over sexual orientation or gender
identity.
• Physical violence is also a concern for
LGBTQ youth. In another study, 30
percent of LGBT youth reported
physical violence at the hands of a
family member after coming out as
LGBT.3
Source: https://youth.gov/youth-topics/lgbtqyouth/
child-welfare
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Slide 7
Homelessness
• An estimated 43% of LGBTQ youth experiencing homelessness are
forced from their homes because of conflicts with their families about
their sexual orientation of gender identity
• 32% of homeless LGBTQ youth have experienced physical, emotional,
or sexual abuse at home over their sexual orientation or gender
identity.4
Source: https://www.air.org/project/preventing-homelessness-lesbian-gaybisexual-
transgender-and-questioning-lgbtq-youth
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Slide 8
Identity and
overrepresentation
Although approximately 4-10
percent of the total population is
estimated to be LGBT,5 a study in
Los Angeles estimated that LGBT
youth represent 19 percent of
those placed in out-of-home care.6
Source: https://youth.gov/youth-topics/lgbtqyouth/
child-welfare
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Slide 9
Suicide risk
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
More than half of transgender male teens
who participated in the survey reported
attempting suicide in their lifetime, while
29.9 percent of transgender female teens
said they attempted suicide. Among nonbinary
youth, 41.8 percent of respondents
stated that they had attempted suicide at
some point in their lives.
Source: hrc.org
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Slide 10
Not likely to
find
permanent
homes
7
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Slide 11
What are the
gender
identities?
Young people who are questioning
their gender may identify as:
-transgender – identity and sex assigned at
birth don’t correspond
-bisexual – attracted to their own gender and
at least one other gender
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Slide 12
Identities
-straight – attracted to the opposite sex
-lesbian – homosexual female to female
attraction
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Slide 13
Identities
-polysexual – gender may or may not be
a factor in attraction
(not attracted to all genders)
-pansexual – attraction regardless of
gender
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Slide 14
Identities
-asexual – lack of sexual attraction
(may still be romantic)
-gay – homosexual (commonly male-tomale
attraction)
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Slide 15
Identities
-cis gender – personal identity and gender
correspond with birth sex
-genderqueer – an umbrella term: an identity
that doesn’t follow norms
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Slide 16
Identities
-Some people describe their sexuality
and gender identity as being fluid – that is, they
change over time.
Intersex is a sex type, not an identity - having both
male and female genitalia. Often in infancy or
adolescence, hormone and surgical procedures are
used “correct” the genitalia. This can lead to
confusion for the future adult, as they may grow to
identify with a different gender.
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Slide 17
Spectrums
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Slide 18
The ability to legally identify oneself
In 2016, nearly 25 percent of the world’s population had access to
a legal Intersex identification at birth with India, Pakistan, Nepal,
and Bangladesh as major contributors.
The remaining 75 percent of the world, including the United
States, is only left with the options “Male” or “Female.”
Helpful Resource: https://genderspectrum.org/
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Slide 19
Language
can get
confusing
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Slide 20
Use of
language
• “He wants to be gay.”
• “She wants to be transgender.”
• “He thinks he’s a girl.”
• “He says he’s attracted to anyone.”
• She’s decided she likes girls.”
These are harmful, as no one is choosing.
Ask, “What’s my first memory of being
heterosexual?” or “When did I decide to
be heterosexual?”
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Slide 21
From a college
ambassador
who is helping
youth deal
with parents’
responses
First: Just listen.
“The absolute, number one thing a parent can do
for their child is listen, said GLAAD ambassador
Rowan Hepps Keeney. "I can’t tell you how
important it is to just have a parent listen to what
you have to say about your identity, about your
experience — about what’s frustrating about being
queer, about what’s amazing about being queer —
and to have that be validated.”
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 22
Note how
difficult the
conversation
is, from your
kid's
perspective.
• If you think *you're* having a hard time
accepting this, imagine the steps it took for your
kid to get to the point where they could even
vocalize their identity to you.
• “Listen to your kids, hear them out. It’s really
hard for them to say these things, it’s not
something that can just be said easily," says
Gianna Collier-Pitts, college ambassador.
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 23
Understand
that your
opinion
*really*
matters to
them.
“I really couldn’t have cared less about what
anyone else thought about my queerness," Joon
Park said.
"It was really just my mother’s acceptance I
yearned for, and when she gave that to me, my
world changed, and I was able to really blossom
into my true and authentic self.”
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 24
Don't think
about what
the rest of
the world
will say.
• It's a common reflex for parents to immediately
worry about how their kids will navigate the
world, or what friends and family will say. There
are definitely trials and tribulations, but your kid
has likely already faced or considered these
hurdles.
• "One of the main things that’s really important
for parents to do for their kids is to give them
space, to not make any assumptions about what
this time in their life means.”
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Slide 25
Don't make
them doubt
or secondguess
their
identity.
• Coming out isn't something kids do lightly. If your
child is having this conversation with you, take it
seriously and don't tell them it's a "phase" or
something that they're only questioning because
of their age. And don’t assume the bio parents or
other caretakers did something to make this
happen.
• Avoid saying things like, “Don’t make any
decisions yet, you’re young.” This is a good
sentiment to have across the board, but not just
when your child tells you that he or she is coming
out as queer.
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 26
Do your best
at affirming
their identity
with
pronouns
that fit.
• Use the right pronouns and call your child what
they've asked to be called. If you mess up, apologize
and fix it instead of letting it slide. Call out other
family members if they refer to your child incorrectly
— even if your kid isn't present to see you advocate
for them.
• Saying “it’s hard” is fine at the beginning but work to
make the pronoun shift as soon as you can. It
matters so much to your child.
Source: Seventeen Magazine
https://www.seventeen.com/life/a15924747/heresexactly-
what-lgbtq-people-wish-their-parents-knew/
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 27
More words of
affirmation.
• Any words of affirmation are ALWAYS
good. Say, “Thank you for sharing this
with me. I really appreciate you confiding
in me.”
• “You matter and your feelings are valid.”
• Reinforcing that you love your kid and will
always support them is extremely
important.
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 28 Childhood resilience is supported by one caring
stable adult
• “I’m with you. Let’s keep talking about your thoughts regarding being
gay.”
• “Thank you for telling me that you’re a girl inside. I have to admit it’s
different for me, but I’ll work on this. You’re teaching me new
things.”
• “How can I support you with our relatives? Should we talk to them
together?”
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 29
More to say …
• “Who have you told about feeling bisexual? Do you feel safe letting
your friends know?”
• “If you could choose any future life, what would it look like?”
• “Even if I sometimes don’t understand, you always have my support.”
• Article from a lesbian who came out to her mom at 37.
https://grownandflown.com/parenting-lgbtq-child/
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 30 Video: Kids Of Gay Parents Speak Out -
(bi/straight parents too)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JG0yqhzVuYA&ab_channel=Team
AngelicaFilms 3:47
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Slide 31
Raising
Ryland:
Parenting a
Transgender
Child
https://www.cnn.com/2015/03/18/living/fe
at-transgender-child-raisingryland/
index.html
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Slide 32
This is a Book for Parents of Gay Kids
• https://www.amazon.com/This-Book-Parents-G
ay-Kids/dp/1452127530?linkCode=ogi&tag=seventeen_auto-append-
20&ascsubtag=[artid|10065.a.15924747[src|[ch|[lt|
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 33
Helping your kids as they navigate the world
MN Standards of LGBTQ Inclusion
https://www.justushealth.org/sites/default/files/inlinefiles/
MN%20LGBTQ%20Standards%20of%20Inclusion.pdf
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
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Slide 34
Questions?
Copyright © 2021 Anu Family Services
Tina Feigal, M.S.Ed.,
Director of Family Engagement, Parent Coach
and Trainer
Anu Family Services
www.parentingmojo.com
Author: Present Moment Parenting on Amazon
and Audible
tfeigal@anufs.org
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Copyright 2021 © Anu Family Services
All rights reserved.
Do not copy without express permission.

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I See You Letter

“I See You” Letter

Another tool for helping a child with a traumatized brain, or any child who is asking for attention by showing unwanted behavior, is an “I see you” letter. When something is put into writing, it weighs more. The child can read the message without having to hear the adult’s voice, which is more effective because adult voices have sometimes not proven trustworthy in the past. I encourage caregivers to write the letter in a notebook, so the child can write back, if she so chooses, and review the letter at any time. The re-reading can be very healing. When I’ve encouraged other adults to write this type of letter, they’ve told me that they’ve found it later, stashed in a drawer or other safe spot, but never thrown away, which speaks to its significance to the child.

               You can write a letter to a child of any age. If she is old enough to read, just leave it on her pillow. If not, write it out and read it slowly, then hand it to her.

               If the child is so hurt that listening to you read a letter is too much, try posting notes that say what you see in her all over her room. Use the components below to craft your letter or your notes.
               The components of the “I See You Letter” are:

  1. I see what you've been through (in details that are significant to her, maybe just the things you know she remembers). You may want to add, "And other things, too, that we haven't talked about." This could spark a response where she shares more.
  2. In light of your experiences, I realize that none of your recent behavior is your fault. You were just trying to express your pain.
  3. I'm sorry I blamed you when I just didn't realize that your behavior was your pain being expressed.
  4. Together we'll work on making it better, and here's how: ______

An example:

Dear Ana,

I just wanted to tell you what I see when I look at you. I see a kid who has had some very rough experiences. When you were younger, your adults did not do what they needed to do to keep you safe. No child should have this happen, as every child deserves and needs to be kept safe. Your mom left you with people who hurt you, and your dad left without saying why. That must hurt so much. I want you to know that this was never, ever your fault. You were an innocent child.

I see a kid who is sensitive and smart. I see a kid who is amazing at figuring out other people. I so appreciate hearing you express what you know long before others your age can do that. I see a kid with artistic ability, and one who cares deeply for our pets. When I watch you with younger children, I am so impressed with how tender you are.

I realize I have gotten angry with you and yelled when you were upset with me. I now get that you just felt threatened, and you did not mean to hurt my feelings or disrespect me. I’m sorry and I will try very hard not to yell in the future. If I make a mistake and yell (because we all make mistakes), I will apologize and have a do-over, because no one deserves to be yelled at.

If you feel like writing back to me in this notebook, that’s great. Feel very free to do so. If not, I’m fine with that, too. I’m just happy to be able to use this notebook to say what I want to tell you in writing.

I am so happy you are in my life. Thank you for all the gifts you give me, especially your smile.

Love,

Mom/Dad/Grandma/Grandpa/Other caregiver

I encourage adults not to ever mention the letter, nor to expect him to say he read it and liked it. For a traumatized child, this may be too much vulnerability. But what often happens is that adults notice a softening in their child, a better attitude, more affection, more focus, and more cooperation. That’s the goal of writing: to see the child clearly, communicate it, allow the amygdala to register that the child is seen and therefore will survive, watch the result in a much more relaxed and relieved child and in an improved relationship. I often describe this process as being “like physics,” as predictable as proven science. It’s truly remarkable how dramatic the results are! And when you think about it, the seeing is the tool for calming the threat alarm. No wonder the child can now function so much more rationally. The more rational front brain is able to work!

I See You Letter