Posts Tagged ‘parenting’
When All You Get is Resistance
by Tina Feigal Copyright © 2017
No, no, no, no, no! Are you exhausted from fielding way too many acts of resistance from your child? If so, let’s look at how to get rid of such strong resistance, and replace it with calm cooperation. I can almost hear you saying, “She’s obviously never met this kid!” You’re right, I haven’t met your child, but I do know a thing or two about how resistance develops and what to do about it.
First, when you see repeated resistance, ask yourself, “Why does she respond this way?” Figuring out why you see this behavior is the first step to resolving it. Pushing harder to make her comply is a step away from resolution.
Second, imagine you were in your child’s shoes, with a young person’s perspective. You are totally subject to your adults’ decisions, and you are growing up enough to make some of them yourself. But the adults don’t seem to see that you’re different, so you must resist them until they do. The message of resistance is, “SEE ME!”
Third, look for ways that you can actively notice the changes in your child’s abilities to make her own decisions. Maybe she chose away from a toxic friend last week, or maybe she decided to work on her big assignment with friends instead of going it alone. Maybe she just put her dirty clothes in the hamper without being asked. Or perhaps she was thoughtful to you in an unexpected way. These are all the experiences you can use to see her.
Fourth, let her know. Write a note to your child saying that you notice she’s changing. Tell her specifically how you see her growing, for example, “I saw you make a great decision about phone time last night. You brought it to the kitchen for charging at 9, as we’d decided, and you allowed yourself some unplugged time. That’s the sign of a truly grown up person, and I’m going to be on the lookout for more signs, as they are coming fast right now! I need to adjust my thinking as to how old you really are, and start treating you in a way that you deserve. ”
Fifth, watch the resistance melt. When you see your child for who she is right now, in the Present Moment, her need to resist you loses its purpose. Enjoy your victory, share it with your child’s other parent, and write about it in your gratitude journal.
If you would like help with this or any other parenting issue, click here.
Getting Kids to Comply
Tina Feigal Copyright © 2015
Here are five tips for helping them to comply, but without having to nag:
1. Assume kids want to do anything BUT what you’re asking. This is how they’re wired, to be focused on their own agenda, and not on yours. Once you realize this is normal, you won’t feel so frustrated when they’re only interested in their own things. This is more a brain wiring issue than “being self-centered.” It’s normal for them to be this way.
2. Talk to them with respect. Don’t shout your commands from another room. Take the time to go to them and make physical contact if they can tolerate it. A touch on the shoulder or back, just to be sure you’re connecting, is very useful in getting a child’s attention. This will save a lot of time as you lead them to the task. Also, touch is very affirming, which is powerful in helping children get out of themselves in order to relate to others’ needs.
3. Bring your children toward you by trusting them. Say, “I trust you to do your bedtime routine tonight. I’ll meet you in your room in 10 minutes with that book you picked out last night.”
4. Stay focused on them until the task is done. They have radar for your attention, so keep it honed for the period between when you ask and when the task is complete. Again, this saves so much time on the back end.
5. Give your heartfelt appreciation for effort and for completion. “When you respond to my request, I feel so respected and at peace, because you show me that you really are able to work together as a team. Thank you!” “When you finish what you’ve started, I feel quite impressed because you’re sticking with it until the very end, which is such a grown-up thing to do!”
Remember, giving your attention to the behaviors you want is the quickest way to grow those behaviors. It’s also a lot more rewarding for you, which will keep you “in the game.” Watch minutes get shaved off your normal routines, once cooperation is the norm!
If you would like help with this or any other parenting issue, visit www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching for info on how coaching works. Isn’t it time you had a peaceful life with your children?