Posts Tagged ‘discipline’

PostHeaderIcon The Most Horrible Thing Imaginable

The Most Horrible Thing Imaginable

During my 18 years of parent coaching, I’ve heard a lot of stories from parents that fear the most horrible thing for their children.  They worry that they will drop out of school, become drug addicts, not find a suitable career, become parents too young, not have friends, commit crimes, develop personality disorders and any number of “horrible things.”  Their imaginations run wild with the possibilities, and they lie awake at night worrying.

If you are one of those parents, I’m here to reassure you.  SO much of what kids do in childhood is developmentally normal, and not indicative of a failed future.  If you wonder if your child’s behavior is normal for his or her development, visit this site.  https://childdevelopmentinfo.com.

Most of the conflict between parents and children has to do with expectations.  We often fail to see that children are in phases of development, and that they do not resemble adult phases (we’re in them, too!)  So if we have a child who is verbvally articulate and/or big for her age, we may expect her to do things that someone two years older would do.  We get mad when she doesn’t, and start to imagine the most horrible things about her future.  It’s an easy trap.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  If you truly had your expectations aligned with your child’s developmental stage, (not always the same as her chronological age) you’d expect immaturity and it wouldn’t throw you for a loop.  Rather than, “Why doesn’t she do what I ask????” you’d respond with understanding and calm redirection.

I see this every day. Parents try to speak logically to their young one or teen-ager, and the logic is NOT making sense to the child.  You’ve probably had it happen three times today.  “I said we can’t go to the pool right now because your grandma is coming over.” Logical … we have to be here when she comes.

Then the explosion occurs!  “I don’t want to have Grandma over!!!  We’re going to the pool!” The child has no sense of propriety – meaning that when you have someone coming over, you’re home when they arrive.  She is totally wrapped up in her desire to swim, and no logic is going to interfere with that desire.  Here’s where a lot of parents go down a path that doesn’t work.

“Stop being so selfish!  How would you like it if we were going to someone’s house and they weren’t there when we arrived?”

“I wouldn’t care! I just want to swim today! Grandma can come over on a rainy day!”

She has responded with an absolutely normal childlike reaction. Now it’s your job to help calm her, rather than challenge her to be more adult than she is. It also takes a huge effort to reject the fear that she’ll be a brat forever and there’s nothing you can do about it. Especially if you’ve seen a lot of this behavior recently, it’s very hard to divert yourself from the default, “She just can’t act like this and I will not tolerate it!”

The better way is to address her concern is with a calm, low-tone, respectful response, reflecting her big huge desire: “You really want to swim and you want to go right now.”  Here she feels seen and heard, which can readily result in a calm response, rather than defiance.  “I get it, Honey. Summer feels so short and you want to get all you can out of it.”

Then wait. She may still be upset, but she’ll likely come down in a bit. Don’t push; just let her brain come back to being regulated. It feels as if nothing is happening, but it is.

When she’s calmer, ask her what she thinks you and she can do to make it better.  You are not changing your mind about being there for Grandma.  You are including her in your thoughts, knowing you’ll stick to your original plan, but making space for her ideas, as well.  “AND” is a wonderful parentng word.  Grandma is coming, we’ll be here to greet her, AND we’ll figure out the swimming. Since the unconscious drive in your daughter is to be seen, sometimes just seeing her is enough and she can let go. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen.

Without yelling, threatening, or even getting upset, you have just helped your daughter through a storm without it becoming a hurricane. You stayed focused in the present moment, rather than fearing the future. This is where all your power is. The most horrible thing didn’t happen, but what did happen is that you connected with your developing child with acceptance and love. The more you do this in the present moment, the more you assure yourself of a positive future for her. Pat yourself on the back. You have found a new way that works for everyone.

If you need help with this or any other parenting issue, click here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PostHeaderIcon Teen Boys, Sex, Alcohol

Teen  Boys, Sex, and Alcohol

by Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.

Image result for teen boy mom
Article Copyright © 2018 Center for the Challenging Child

This is a real exchange, published with names changed, and permission from the writer.

Hello Tina,

We met with you years ago when our kids were toddlers and bedtime nearly drove us crazy. They are all teenagers now and I would give anything to go back to those simpler times. My oldest is a 17-year-old boy. His grades are decent. He works a part time job around 20 hours a week. He is not doing a spring sport so he can work and save for college. I know that he and his friends sometime drink. There are two times that I am sure of. He has had the same girlfriend for 2 years now so I worry about sex also. I have tried to have many conversations and talk about what we believe and try to find out what the motive was to drink and where things are headed with the girlfriend and encouraged him to make a thoughtful decision when he is not “in the moment” so that he can fall back to that when the heat is on.

The main issue is in 6 months he is moving off to college and I worry about him making good decisions. I know a certain amount of college partying is very normal, but still worrisome. Any advice?

Thank you ~
Sharla
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Hi Sharla,

I’m happy to hear from you!  It sounds as if you have a wonderful 17-year-old who is going through the normal experiences of adolescence.  I hope that knowing this is very typical helps to relieve some of the stress you’re feeling.  And here are some ideas to help you navigate it:

  1. Let the positives of his life settle into your brain.  His grades are decent, he’s working and saving for school, he has a lasting relationship with his girlfriend.  He’s doing so many things right!
  2. Another huge plus: You have shared your values with him.  As I like to say, “Teens can’t let you know that they hear you, because they are busy individuating and becoming “not-mom.”  This is a necessary developmental step, and all healthy kids do it.  But once you’ve put your message about your values in him, they’re in there, rest assured.  He just can’t say, “Thanks, I got it,” at this point.  No need to repeat yourself about these now, as he knows how you feel, and repeating just becomes irritating.  I know, teens are very sensitive about this, but again, it’s normal.
  3. Your worry about drinking and sex are justified.  You don’t want him to become a father too young, and you don’t want him to break the law by drinking or become an alcoholic.  But reminding him repeatedly will not get you what you want, and he’s old enough now that you cannot control him.  It’s easy to think that a parent should control her son, but it’s just not possible, nor is it your job now that he’s 17. It’s your job to recognize the myriad ways in which he does control himself.
  4. You can help to reinforce his positive behaviors by letting him know how proud you are of him and the many good decisions he’s made so far.  He’s made a lot of good decisions, and he needs to hear that you see them, if he hasn’t already.  Writing them in a note is a powerful way to communicate, as writing weighs more than talking. Plus, guys at this age become “allergic” to their mothers’ voices – I raised three of them, and it’s just the way it is as they become men.
  5. The more you recognize his goodness, the more you will see.  You will also be drawing him toward you instead of pushing him away, which is huge.
  6. Does he have access to condoms? Tell him where to get them if you think he doesn’t.  This looks like condoning pre-marital sex, but if it’s already happening, it’s not going to end because you want it to.  The best solution is to be sure he’s having safe sex.
  7. The motive to drink is the same as it is for 17-year-olds world-wide. They are blossoming adults and this is an adult activity.  If you have seen him under the influence, but not overly drunk, you might want to say, “I’m glad you’re not overdoing it, and I’m glad you’re home safe.”  It’s the same as with sex; you don’t have the power to stop it because he’s growing up, but you do have the power to influence mindful use of it.  If he is overwhelmed by guilt from you, it may have the opposite effect from what you want, and give him a reason to drink more to suppress his feelings (the number one reason people drink.)

I hope this is helpful, Sharla.  Let me know if you’d like to talk more about this, and we can set up an appointment.  Place your trust in your son now, as he’s just learning to trust himself, and he can learn self-trust from your words and attitudes.

Best,
Tina

If you would like help with this or any other parenting issue, click here for information on parent coaching. 

 

 

 

 

 

PostHeaderIcon I’m Sometimes Too Hard on My Child, Sometimes Too Easy

I’m Sometimes Too Hard on My Child, Sometimes Too Easy

Whew, this is a very common parenting issue.  How do you figure out whether to let things slide or be very strict about what should happen with your child?  If he or she is bright, intense, and opinionated, it can be all the more confusing as to how to hand out the discipline.

 

 

 

Here are 5 tips to help with these decisions:

  1. Remember that it’s almost impossible to be “consistent” all the time, especially when you and your partner/spouse, who likely have different styles, are raising your child together. That said, have a family meeting to get some “rules” or “traditions” established, along with what to do when a rule is broken. That way,  everyone in the house is on the same page. (See page 38 in Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child for all the details of the family meeting and rule-setting.)
  2. Give intense children your calm and certain response.  “It’s time to get your clothes on for school,” can result in an all-out battle every morning.  “I don’t want to get dressed!” is heard all too often. Instead of getting into a back-and-forth conversation, simply decide the night before that these are the clothes to be worn, and there will not be any discussion about it tomorrow. Then don’t have any.  This isn’t ignoring your child. It’s just letting him know where the energy is and isn’t. The energy is on making a plan and keeping your promise not to talk about it. It is not on engaging in a conversation or negotiation.
  3. Talk about the situation, not the child or yourself.  Children often have radar for relational rationale. “Mommy just really needs you to get done eating so we can go to the store.”  As soon as it’s about your need, somehow the strings are all pulled and the battle for power is on. (You’ve noticed that the teachers at school rarely see these delay tactics, nor a lot of attempt at negotiation.) Instead of making it about your needs or feelings, do what teachers do: state the next steps as facts. “It’s time for …” or “This needs to happen,” are more effective ways to phrase the request. It sounds a little less loving, but it’s actually more loving when you avoid the emotional string-pulling. Your child can transition to the next thing without all the messy feelings in the way, which is a gift.
  4. Allow more time when you need to get ready to go.  It may feel as if you’re already depleted, time-wise, but 10 extra minutes in the morning can make all the difference. If you come across less rushed, your child picks that up and feels less rushed, which results in a more peaceful routine.  Always anticipate “one more thing” that the child will need to do before leaving, and make a plan with the child that “it’s only going to be one more thing, not 12.” Thank him or her sincerely for smoothness whenever you see it.
  5. She’s too lenient, he’s too tough on him.  I get it. Parents are wired differently when it comes to how to handle child behavior. I’d like to offer the too-lenient parent the idea that consistency helps the child feel secure, so please don’t change your mind if you can help it.  This involves asking for a few minutes to think about what should happen, rather than making snap decisions. Children can learn to let parents take their time to think! And for the too-strict parent, I offer that if you loosen your grip on how things should go, you’ll see a more relaxed child, and a more relaxed child will oppose you less.  Keep the “next steps” consistent, but allow small decisions on the child’s part to acknowledge and honor his ability to make them.  Bedtime is bedtime, but he can choose whether it’s a race to brush teeth or a piggy-back ride, which side of the bed he’ll sleep on, and which book to read. If one book is the limit, don’t change it. That confuses the child about who’s in charge, which is deadly for your routine. Simply refer to the previous decision: “We only have one book each night. Tomorrow we can read the other one.” And don’t waver because an open door causes your young experimenter (what happens when I …?) to never come to a clear conclusion. The experiment has to continue until a consistent answer is known, just like what adult scientists do in labs!

Parenting is a tough job. You deserve all the help you can get. Do not hesitate to reach out, as it’s in your best interests to learn how to navigate this most complex relationship. Also, parent coaching makes a great holiday gift! Your health savings account works, too. Click here for more info on parent coaching.

PostHeaderIcon That’s NOT FAIR!!!

That’s NOT FAIR!!!

Upset child
You’ve heard your kids claim this “truth” a million times.  How do you get them to stop throwing fairness up as their inalienable right?  It’s annoying, it feels like pressure for you as a parent, and you have no idea how to deal with it.

Here are five tips for dealing with kids who feel life is unfair:

1. This may seem a little harsh, but tell the kids, “We don’t do fair.”  It’s not a realistic expectation to think that life for every child will be equal and fair, so why hold it up as a family value?
2. Listen deeply to the feelings underlying the claim of unfairness.  “I imagine you are saying that because you feel your brother gets more attention than you do.  Is that right?”  Being comfortable with the tough feeling a child is expressing tends to neutralize it.
3. Remind the child that each person in the family is having his or her needs met to the best of your ability.  We all have clothes, food, a roof over our heads, enough rules, hot water for baths, and lots of love.
4. Comparing “who gets what is a dead-end” conversation.  Let the kids know that their legitimate need for material things will be met, and so will their siblings’, and it won’t always be the same or at the same time.  Give examples of when the oldest got a bike first because the younger ones weren’t big enough to ride yet; the musically interested one got piano lessons, while the hockey player got skates and ice time; the dancer got ballet lessons and the one who loved Karate had lessons, too.  It wasn’t the same (which kids sometimes think is “fair.”)
5. Show your kids how adults don’t live in the world of fairness, either. Every time mom buys a new pair of jeans, dad doesn’t run out and get something of equal value.  You both know you’ll be able to get the clothes you need, but not at the same time, and not necessarily items that cost the same.

Part of this exercise is releasing your own thinking that everything in your child’s world should be fair. It’s an easy trap to fall into when you have more than one child.  But it’s also fairly easy to correct.  Just say, “We don’t do fair, but we do provide for and love each of you.”

If you’d like more information about parent coaching on this or any child-rearing topic, click here for all the details.