Posts Tagged ‘child behavior’

PostHeaderIcon The Most Horrible Thing Imaginable

The Most Horrible Thing Imaginable

During my 18 years of parent coaching, I’ve heard a lot of stories from parents that fear the most horrible thing for their children.  They worry that they will drop out of school, become drug addicts, not find a suitable career, become parents too young, not have friends, commit crimes, develop personality disorders and any number of “horrible things.”  Their imaginations run wild with the possibilities, and they lie awake at night worrying.

If you are one of those parents, I’m here to reassure you.  SO much of what kids do in childhood is developmentally normal, and not indicative of a failed future.  If you wonder if your child’s behavior is normal for his or her development, visit this site.  https://childdevelopmentinfo.com.

Most of the conflict between parents and children has to do with expectations.  We often fail to see that children are in phases of development, and that they do not resemble adult phases (we’re in them, too!)  So if we have a child who is verbvally articulate and/or big for her age, we may expect her to do things that someone two years older would do.  We get mad when she doesn’t, and start to imagine the most horrible things about her future.  It’s an easy trap.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.  If you truly had your expectations aligned with your child’s developmental stage, (not always the same as her chronological age) you’d expect immaturity and it wouldn’t throw you for a loop.  Rather than, “Why doesn’t she do what I ask????” you’d respond with understanding and calm redirection.

I see this every day. Parents try to speak logically to their young one or teen-ager, and the logic is NOT making sense to the child.  You’ve probably had it happen three times today.  “I said we can’t go to the pool right now because your grandma is coming over.” Logical … we have to be here when she comes.

Then the explosion occurs!  “I don’t want to have Grandma over!!!  We’re going to the pool!” The child has no sense of propriety – meaning that when you have someone coming over, you’re home when they arrive.  She is totally wrapped up in her desire to swim, and no logic is going to interfere with that desire.  Here’s where a lot of parents go down a path that doesn’t work.

“Stop being so selfish!  How would you like it if we were going to someone’s house and they weren’t there when we arrived?”

“I wouldn’t care! I just want to swim today! Grandma can come over on a rainy day!”

She has responded with an absolutely normal childlike reaction. Now it’s your job to help calm her, rather than challenge her to be more adult than she is. It also takes a huge effort to reject the fear that she’ll be a brat forever and there’s nothing you can do about it. Especially if you’ve seen a lot of this behavior recently, it’s very hard to divert yourself from the default, “She just can’t act like this and I will not tolerate it!”

The better way is to address her concern is with a calm, low-tone, respectful response, reflecting her big huge desire: “You really want to swim and you want to go right now.”  Here she feels seen and heard, which can readily result in a calm response, rather than defiance.  “I get it, Honey. Summer feels so short and you want to get all you can out of it.”

Then wait. She may still be upset, but she’ll likely come down in a bit. Don’t push; just let her brain come back to being regulated. It feels as if nothing is happening, but it is.

When she’s calmer, ask her what she thinks you and she can do to make it better.  You are not changing your mind about being there for Grandma.  You are including her in your thoughts, knowing you’ll stick to your original plan, but making space for her ideas, as well.  “AND” is a wonderful parentng word.  Grandma is coming, we’ll be here to greet her, AND we’ll figure out the swimming. Since the unconscious drive in your daughter is to be seen, sometimes just seeing her is enough and she can let go. Trust me, I’ve seen it happen.

Without yelling, threatening, or even getting upset, you have just helped your daughter through a storm without it becoming a hurricane. You stayed focused in the present moment, rather than fearing the future. This is where all your power is. The most horrible thing didn’t happen, but what did happen is that you connected with your developing child with acceptance and love. The more you do this in the present moment, the more you assure yourself of a positive future for her. Pat yourself on the back. You have found a new way that works for everyone.

If you need help with this or any other parenting issue, click here.