Archive for the ‘Good Parenting’ Category
Saying No to One Thing Means Saying Yes to Another
As we Minnesotans watch an April snowstorm blanket the landscape with eight new inches of “pretty stuff”, it’s hard to accept “no” from Mother Nature when we yearn for Spring RIGHT NOW. We desperately want warm sun on our faces, robins and daffodils, not boots, gloves, and snow shovels!
Isn’t it interesting to note how as adults, we have experiences that thwart our desires, just the way our kids do? Last night, my son texted me an interesting thought to ponder. “When we say no to something, we’re saying yes to something else.” Then he typed, in his adorably thought-provoking way, “Opposition.”
When our children are oppositional, they are saying “no” to one thing, such as “brush your teeth”, “get off the computer”, “time for bed”, or “finish your homework.” What’s the thing they are saying “yes” to at that moment? Of course, you might answer, more freedom to play video games, more freedom to stay up late, more freedom to watch a movie instead of finish homework. But there’s more to it than that.
When children oppose their parents, they’re also saying “yes” to their own sense of who they are. As young as 12 months, they’re wired to start opposing their parents’ requests because they are exercising their newfound will. Is this a disrespectful aspect to all children? Some may argue yes. But it’s really more helpful and less conflict producing to see it as a natural developmental phase. As adults, this is our job and we even benefit from celebrating that our kids with big wills are on the right path. We do better to support their will, rather than try to fight it.
So, you might say to me, “How do we get the bath taken in time for bed, when all they want to do is play?” The answer lies in recognizing the emerging will as a vital part of the child’s growth as a person. Acknowledging how much they want to continue to watch their favorite show, play their favorite video game, or finish up their art project, will go a long way toward gaining cooperation. Say, “You’re really into this game, I can see! I notice that you’re gaining a lot of new skills by playing it. Finish this one game and I’ll meet you in your room, ready for bed in 10 minutes.”
This approach acknowledges the child’s will to play the game and also encourages, rather than forces, the letting go. (We all know how well it turns out when we try to force a child to do something.)
Here are the 5 steps:
1. Establish a routine bedtime with your children’s input during a family meeting.
2. Tell your child exactly how you will let him or her know it’s bedtime. Have him sit in front of the computer and rehearse this aspect. Place your hand on his back if he can tolerate it, and say in a respectful tone, “See what time it is? I’ll meet you in your room in 10 minutes.” That’s all. He knows when bedtime is.
3. Just wait respectfully for him to comply. If it takes longer than you thought, rehearse again tomorrow, but don’t lecture now.
4. Give heartfelt appreciation for coming when he does. Even if it’s a few minutes late, you want to let him know he’s been successful in coming to the room. Reward what you want, and you will see more of it.
5. Have a peaceful, appreciative end to the day.
If you need coaching help with these steps, or any other parenting challenge, click here.
That’s NOT FAIR!!!
You’ve heard your kids claim this “truth” a million times. How do you get them to stop throwing fairness up as their inalienable right? It’s annoying, it feels like pressure for you as a parent, and you have no idea how to deal with it.
Here are five tips for dealing with kids who feel life is unfair:
1. This may seem a little harsh, but tell the kids, “We don’t do fair.” It’s not a realistic expectation to think that life for every child will be equal and fair, so why hold it up as a family value?
2. Listen deeply to the feelings underlying the claim of unfairness. “I imagine you are saying that because you feel your brother gets more attention than you do. Is that right?” Being comfortable with the tough feeling a child is expressing tends to neutralize it.
3. Remind the child that each person in the family is having his or her needs met to the best of your ability. We all have clothes, food, a roof over our heads, enough rules, hot water for baths, and lots of love.
4. Comparing “who gets what is a dead-end” conversation. Let the kids know that their legitimate need for material things will be met, and so will their siblings’, and it won’t always be the same or at the same time. Give examples of when the oldest got a bike first because the younger ones weren’t big enough to ride yet; the musically interested one got piano lessons, while the hockey player got skates and ice time; the dancer got ballet lessons and the one who loved Karate had lessons, too. It wasn’t the same (which kids sometimes think is “fair.”)
5. Show your kids how adults don’t live in the world of fairness, either. Every time mom buys a new pair of jeans, dad doesn’t run out and get something of equal value. You both know you’ll be able to get the clothes you need, but not at the same time, and not necessarily items that cost the same.
Part of this exercise is releasing your own thinking that everything in your child’s world should be fair. It’s an easy trap to fall into when you have more than one child. But it’s also fairly easy to correct. Just say, “We don’t do fair, but we do provide for and love each of you.”
If you’d like more information about parent coaching on this or any child-rearing topic, click here for all the details.
How to Parent Well When You Have Your Own Emotional ”Stuff”
Parents often wonder if they can actually be good for their kids when they are carrying emotional baggage from their own childhoods. They think, “How do I parent this child well when I have my own emotional stuff?” It’s a legitimate question, and I’d like to answer it from the perspective of having coached a powerful man who conquered a hard upbringing to connect, and connect well, with his grandson.
Adam was raised in a situation where his own parents didn’t take care of him, and he needed to live with other adults. The understandable resentment for this was a part of the ongoing landscape of his emotional world. And (who knows how this happens?) during his first marriage he became the step-grandpa to a now-12-year-old boy, fully responsible for him after the tragic and untimely death of his wife. When I met this fabulous grandpa, he was remarried to an absolute saint, Gretchen, who had never had children. Together, they were raising a boy who has two living parents, neither of whom took responsibility for him. Anyone who knows kids understands that this is an extremely difficult situation for a child … having two ambivalently attached parents causes mountains of questions. Why don’t they live with me and care for me? What did I do wrong to cause them to reject me? Why don’t they make it better when it seems as if they could? Why do they keep messing up? And it also results in (again, understandable) acting out that would try even the most patient adult. Yelling, screaming, pounding, refusing, swearing, leaving the house … you name it. Adam and his beloved Gretchen fielded all of this from Graydon with Herculean grace (and yes, some rough arguments).
Adam repeatedly came to me with his own questions about how to make life better at home. And as he did this, he listened intently, even at times struggling with his own deep emotions, wanting to control the boy so he didn’t remind him so much of himself. But the boy would not be controlled by the typical, “Do as I say” approach. This led to a lot of conflict.
As our time together progressed, I watched as Adam learned to put his own emotions on the shelf, not always, but often effectively enough to build a strong bond between himself and Graydon. He set limits, which was often painful for both Adam and his grandson. He created and held healthy boundaries between Graydon and his non-custodial dad and mom. He spoke of respect, instilled values, and stayed the course. He skied with Graydon, threw the ball with him, and asked him about his homework. He limited video game use and access to the phone. He encouraged friendships and facilitated outings and sleep-overs with his middle school buddies. He took Graydon on trips to see unexplored parts of the country. He sat in the stands at his basketball and baseball games, and taught him about teamwork. When he heard the coach compliment Graydon, he was sure to let him know. He accompanied his grandson to therapy appointments to help him feel safe to talk about his feelings. On my advice, he even wrote notes to Graydon, expressing the positive things that were sometimes hard to say between “guys”, but were huge in their impact. He spent special time with him every evening before bed, connecting with Graydon on an emotional level, even if they’d had a bad day. All this, with his own wounded childhood, his own feelings of rejection and anger, lurking in the background. For his grandson’s sake, he dug deep regularly, and simply put Graydon first.
I found myself in awe, wondering where he got the inner strength to parent this often rebellious, oppositional child with such love. We hear about children’s resilience in the literature, but who ever talks about grandparents’ resilience? Who makes a big deal of someone like Adam who wrestled with his demons regularly and emerged the hero for Graydon, teaching him by example that he could be better the next time?
It’s an honor to share this story. I write it as I prepare to attend Adam’s utterly untimely memorial service. Yesterday he died at age 57 with much love left to give. Adam inspired me, and I will forever feel blessed, having known him at his finest, even in the hardest moments. Graydon got the message of love from Adam, not perfectly, not every minute, but he got it. And that’s what it takes for a child to grow up emotionally healthy – one truly caring adult who, through his love, frees you up to do, and be, your best.
Parent coaching info is available at www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching.
Holiday Gifts Raising Havoc?
Are the gifts your kids received for the holidays creating havoc in your home?
Are you at a loss as to how to handle this sticky situation?
Let’s say your child received a new PS-3 or Xbox from well-intended but misguided grandparents. Your child is spending way too much time on it. It’s time for a sit-down to repair damaged family relationships and restore harmony in the home.
Here’s what to say:
“I’m the parent and it’s my job to make sure your growing up time is balanced with fun, family, and contributions to our lives. I need to check on the balance now and then. When I checked today, I saw that you’re spending a lot of time on the PS-3, and less time with us. I also notice that your mood is lower and you’re more cranky when you play the games. So we need to make an adjustment. I want to hear your ideas for how to resolve this issue.”
Allow time for the child to think. He or she may become defensive, saying, “It’s my game and I can play it whenever I want to! Grandma gave it to me!” or “I’m not cranky! You’re the one who gets cranky when I play!”
Don’t defend your point here. Just stay with the agenda, which is to resolve the problem. Say, “I’m not interested in arguing about this. But I am interested in hearing your ideas for resolving it. Do you want to offer some right now, or do you need some time to think about it? Take your time. It’s important and I want you to have a chance to think. Maybe you could come up with a few options that we could discuss next time we talk about this.”
When you call the next thinking session, ask your child what he or she decided. Consider the options carefully, not hurrying, asking clarifying questions. If you can live with one of the ideas, say so and consider the issue resolved. If you need to negotiate, say, “I like number 3 because it’s well-thought-out. What would you say to including it with some of my ideas?” Offer your thoughts and decide together on a solution.
This type of collaboration is vital for making decisions that stick. It includes the child in the decision, avoiding the authoritarian “my way or the highway” approach. It models the type of collaboration you expect from your child. You are always teaching with your behavior, don’t forget.
If your child can’t come up with a solution, keep at it anyway. Offer three or four of your own ideas and ask him to rank order them. This keeps choice in the forefront, still including the child in the solution. Again, offer him time to think. The more you do this, the better the decisions will be.
Once a decision is made, post it prominently in the home where the child gets a frequent review. State it positively like this:
The Becker Family has decided together that 1 hour per week is the perfect amount of time for video games. I pledge to help our family stay strong by honoring the 1-hour limit.
Decide together what will happen if the limit is not being honored. You may evoke the parental right to turn the machine off, which is appropriate. Just be sure this is decided in advance, so there are no surprises. If you encounter resistance, don’t argue. Just do as you all decided, turn off the machine, and engage the child in something else. Your actions will speak loudly, and you won’t have to get engaged in a power struggle.
Peace to your homes in 2013! If you need help with this or any other parenting issue, call Jacy at 651-964-4750 or write firstname.lastname@example.org for an appointment.
A Great Mom’s Success Story About
Her 9-Year-Old Son
Here is a testimonial for your website. I could write all day, but I’m guessing you want it short
I felt completely hopeless as I watched my 9 year olds behavior spiral out of control. He was aggressive and violent with me and his siblings, and he was defiant at every turn. The harder we disciplined and the louder we yelled, the worse his behavior became. We were certain if our child’s behavior continued down this path that he was headed for big trouble. We knew we had to make drastic changes to our parenting style because what we were doing was not working. I had read Tina’s book in the past, and I really believed in her message. My husband and I decided to invest in coaching sessions with her, and it has changed our family life drastically within a couple of months. Our son is no longer aggressive, and everyday we keep seeing more good behavior. I feel better about myself as a mother, and it has actually strengthened my relationship with my husband because we are working together now rather than against each other. Tina’s individualized coaching sessions gave us clear direction and a framework for how to handle challenging situations as they arose. Each session with Tina was life changing for me. I learned so much about myself, the kind of parent I want to be, and the kind of family life I want for my children. I would highly recommend Tina to anyone raising an intense child!
And the same day:
I just wanted to write you an email to let you know that after our conversation today, I spoke with my son tonight about his sense of purpose. I took your advice and told him how proud I am of him for thinking about how he can use his talents to make positive changes in this world, especially at such a young age. You should have seen his response, Tina. He was beaming with pride. You could see it in his eyes. He is softer, less anxious and just overall more content with being in his own skin right now. He came from a child ridden with doubt and fear, and filled with anxiety to the point where he was up until 2 in the morning, to a child who is kissing me good-night saying I am the best mommy in the world. There is much work to be done, and it is by no means perfect, but I now have hope and I can see that there is a way out of this. And that I have the power to change this. I thank you for sharing your wisdom. I may sound like a broken record today, but I can’t tell you how grateful I am that our paths have crossed. It is very possible that you may have saved my family. You should be very proud of the work that you do. It is truly life changing.
Teaches Mom a Lesson
By Erin Jauert © 2012
It was a typical Thursday morning. Everyone had slept a little later than they should have. Someone had put the peanut butter jar back on the shelf even though it was empty, and a clean pair of matching socks seemed to be as elusive as ever. As I was double-checking my kindergartener’s backpack and stashing his snack into the front zippered pouch, he looked
up at me with his sweet, dimpled face and said, “Mama, there’s something I forgot to tell
you last night.” “Oh yeah?” I said, only half listening as my mind raced through a list of
the day’s events. “There’s a boy on the bus who’s been punching me in the stomach.”
And just like that, my mind went blank. I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. Suddenly, nothing else mattered. This was, after all, what I’d feared most since that crisp
fall morning 5 months ago when I’d sent him off to his first day of school. “What do you mean?” I asked, “Has it happened more than once?” “Yes,” he said, “It happened yesterday and the day before that … and one time last week.” Doing my best to maintain my composure, I calmly asked, “Do you think you could sit in a different seat where you wouldn’t be near him?” Without hesitation, my sweet boy insisted, “No, he’s not supposed to, but he climbs all over the bus while it’s moving … no matter where I go, I know he’ll find me.” My breath caught in the back of my throat and I started to think about how I’d love to teach that little bully a thing or two about messing with my baby. Little did I know that I was the one about to get schooled.
My 6-year-old continued, “I mean, I know his bucket is empty and that’s why he’s doing it … it’s just that I don’t know how to fill it, Mama.”
It’s hard to say if I was more proud of my son for remembering the lesson his dad and I had thoughtfully weaved into so many prior conversations or more embarrassed that in that moment my kindergartener had to be the one to remind me of it. Either way, I felt an instant calm sweep over me. Just as my son had known all along, this wasn’t about him at all. It was about another child, someone else’s baby, who was lacking something, needing something, wanting something. I explained to my son that he was exactly right, that in most cases when someone treats another person badly, it’s because they’re feeling bad about themselves. We brainstormed ideas for ways to fill this little boy’s bucket. “You could give him a compliment,” I said. “Maybe I could take him a treat,” my son suggested. In the end, we agreed that just like everyone else, more than anything, he probably just needed a friend.
Later that morning I watched the clock, noting the kids were probably just getting settled on the bus for the ride home. Even though he seemed confident with the plan we had devised, I couldn’t shake the nerves as I thought about my baby getting punched in the stomach yet again. Thirty minutes later the bus pulled up, slowed to a stop and I watched as my kindergartener bounced down the steps. He didn’t look like a child who had just been punched in the stomach, but I had to hear it for myself. “So … anything happen with the bully on the bus today?” I asked. “Yeah, something happened alright,” he said. “As soon as we got on, I asked him if he wanted to play with me. We played Lion King the whole way home … it was awesome!”
While this experience has come and gone in my son’s mind, it’s something I keep revisiting in my own. I’m sorry that he got punched in the stomach, but grateful that he felt comfortable telling me about it. I’m ashamed of my initial reaction, but amazed by the way my 6-year-old was able to redirect me to the heart of the issue. Above all, this experience serves as an important reminder about how important it is as parents that we talk to our children about things that are happening and about things that aren’t happening, but could. You never know when your kids will encounter a situation where your words will help guide them. Thanks to many prior conversations about this issue, both directly and indirectly, my kindergartener was armed with the confidence he needed to face a bully on the school bus with both courage and compassion
Introducing the New Baby to Your Toddler
Tina Feigal © 2012
To bring a baby into a toddler’s life is a crisis for the former king or queen of the house. To leap over his or her feelings and just try to introduce a baby, expecting harmony, is not realistic or wise. Imagine your husband or wife saying, “I’m going to get a new spouse. It’s going to come soon, will be helpless, and a lot cuter than you, because she’s smaller. Other people will greet the little new spouse with joy and delight, and sort of give you a passing glance. Or worse, they’ll ask you if you like the new spouse, and fully expect you to show how happy you are that this intruder has arrived to take up your parents’ time and energy, so there’s less for you.”
See what I mean? It’s a huge thing for many children to have a sibling enter their world. And it’s also very good. They learn that they do share their parents with someone else, which is a very helpful lesson for the future.
To introduce the baby to a toddler, include the toddler in your talk about the baby, encouraging touch of mommy’s belly, talking to the baby (yes, he or she will find that little voice familiar and pleasant after the birth), and read picture books about the new baby. Show the toddler where the baby will sleep, what clothes the baby will wear, and how he can help. Making a helper out of your toddler goes a LONG way toward helping him adjust. Whenever anyone, even an adult, feels fearful, the best way to overcome it is to have a role to play to protect others. It’s the same for toddlers. If you say, “Your baby will need your help when he comes. I’ll have to ask you to grab a diaper or get me the pacifier. I am going to love having your help, because when you were a baby, I didn’t have a big brother or sister to help out. When the baby gets older, you’ll be teaching him everything you already know. You will always be the oldest kid, so you’ll have a lot to teach!”
Your toddler is VERY curious about every aspect of your new baby, in the same way that she’s curious about everything else. Encourage the curiosity, rather than forbid exploring the baby. Saying, “Don’t get too close,” sends the wrong message. Saying, “You love seeing her fingers and toes, don’t you? Let’s count them!” sends the message that you have a positive view of your older child’s perspective, which prevents and/or softens rivalry. If the touching is invasive or too rough, teach gentle touch directly, saying, “This is how we do it gently. Thank you for being so gentle. The baby loves that!”
For young toddlers, when you hold the baby, also hold the toddler. That’s why parents have two arms and two legs, a lap big enough for everyone. Invite the toddler for holding even when he doesn’t ask for it. This says, “You are still very important in my world, and I want you near me.” If you give the opposite message, “You need to grow up now because my attention has to be on the baby,” you are in for rivalry.
Have definite conversations, saying, “It might seem that since we have a new baby, I only love her, and not you. (Concrete concepts for concrete thinkers, which toddlers are.) But of course I still love you as much as I ever did! Love gets bigger when a new child comes, and now the love in our family is bigger than the whole world!
If the older child is melting down, don’t make it about the baby. It’s just his or her internal need to have something he or she can’t have, which would be happening regardless. Also, EXPECT a bit more melting down than usual when the new baby arrives, and you won’t be surprised by it. React with calm and reassuring words, and the meltdowns will subside. If you overreact, you reward them, and they stay a lot longer. If there’s a long tantrum, simply whisper, “Would you like to calm down now, or would you like to keep crying?” Whispering is highly effective, as the child has to stop to hear what you’re saying. Giving this in the form of a question puts the disempowered child in a place of decision-making and appropriate power. The more appropriate power he or she has, the less inappropriate power he or she will seek.
Follow your toddler’s lead on interacting with the baby and don’t push “love” on him. The love will likely bubble to the surface on its own, and then you can react to it with heartfelt appreciation. Make it normal and delightful that your older child loves the younger one. Don’t expect perfection, and you will have a happy experience introducing the new baby to your toddler.
What to Give Your Child for the Holidays
by Tina Feigal © 2011
Each year, kids are excited about the gifts they will receive. Visions of XBOX 360s, Wii’s, iPhones, skis, dolls, trucks, stuffed animals, Legos, and a variety of other gifts float through their heads. After the holiday, the gifts often lose some of their allure, and kids are back to saying, “I’m bored.” So let’s focus instead on a gift that keeps on giving.
I’m going to suggest that you give your child a sense of himself as a needed person for a gift this year. It’s something that doesn’t come to most adults during the annual holiday buying frenzy, but it’s a gift that will keep on giving for a lifetime. So stop for a few minutes and think of ways you can set your child up for feeling really valued, cared for, and yes, generous, during this holiday season. After all, isn’t that what we all want? Kids with a strong sense of their place in the world as contributors? You have the power in this special time of year to create a kid with a true sense of purpose, something he or she will remember for years to come.
To create a success around being needed, take your child into your confidence around a gift you are thinking of giving his sibling. Ask, “Do you think she’d like the red sweater or this cute skirt better?” Then take your child’s advice. It’s more important to build a giving spirit than to get the perfect gift.
Ask what he thinks he’d like to give his sister, and then offer to help him get it if he’s too young to have his own money. Give him heartfelt appreciation when he makes a selection, and talk up his gift before it’s opened. Say, “I love how thoughtfully you chose this for Samantha. I think she’s gonna love it.”
Let your kids see you giving to people outside the family who may be in need. If you are donating toys, don’t just take care of it when they kids are in school, but include them in the selection and the dropping off at the collection site. This way they feel part of something bigger than the immediate family, and remember how fortunate they are. Or if there’s a needy family in your faith community, be sure your kids contribute some of their allowance to participate in the family’s giving efforts. If you want grateful, generous kids, put more of your effort into fostering their gratitude and generosity than into trying to please them.
Giving doesn’t have to be material. If you see an opportunity for your child to push the ottoman closer to grandpa’s chair, give him the gift of quietly suggesting he do so. If you see him spontaneously sharing his time with a younger cousin, be sure he hears how much you admire that. If she works hard to maintain a good mood when in a crowd of people, give her positive feedback so she sees what you see, a child who makes an effort for others.
The chances to give your child kudos abound at holiday time. Plan now to tap the present moment to focus on them, and watch him “glow” with a strong sense of his own strength as a giving person. The benefits are immeasurable, and everyone receives them!
For parent coaching on what to give your child for the holidays or any other topic, contact Tina Feigal at 651-453-0123 or email email@example.com.
Don’t Solve the Behavior Problem.
Solve the Real Problem.
Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.
Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal
Every day parents call me about their children’s behavior: “He bit the teacher at daycare.” “She won’t go to bed without manipulating every possible angle to stay up.” “He’s trying to get me to buy a cell phone and I think he’s too young. But wow, does he know how to wear me down!”
Of course, this is what I hear … I am, after all, a parent coach! I actually WANT people to tell me what’s happening with their kids, so I can help them resolve it.
But what I find interesting is that we as adults focus on the behavior, not the underlying cause. The behavior is always just the tip of the proverbial ice berg, just an indicator of something big going on underneath. When parents and teachers focus on the ice berg tip, they feel as if they have good reasons: “He’s being so disrespectful and it has to stop.” “I can’t let him just get away with talking to me (or hitting me or biting someone) like that.” The desire to stop the behavior, and stop it now for once and for all, seems overwhelmingly urgent because parents and teachers feel judged if the child in their care misbehaves. They want to get along, not fight with their kids. And they feel responsible for fixing it immediately.
Here’s where we get into trouble: we cannot make someone stop their behavior … a harsh reality, but it’s really true. From the smallest child to the oldest adult, the internal urge to behave, however badly, usually overrides the desire of someone else who wants them to stop it. So the only answer is to dig underneath to the huge slab of ice below the water and see what’s causing the tip.
It takes some time and development of skills to “read” a child to determine what underlying causes of behavior are being expressed. Mostly we’re in too much of a hurry to take this time, but when the pain gets bad enough, I find parents are very willing to spend it on finding true solutions. I am always impressed by how willing they are!
Here are a few tips on figuring out the underlying cause of behavior, so you can resolve it instead of the behavior itself:
1. “He bit the teacher.” This is a child who does not respond well to being touched when the teacher wants him “over here.” She inadvertently sparks a big response when she takes his shoulders to reposition him. Ice berg tip: He bit the teacher. Underlying cause: extreme sensitivity to touch by people who are not well-known to the child. Solution: respect his need to be told verbally what’s expected, and refrain from moving him physically. End of “bad behavior.”
2. “She won’t go to bed without manipulating every possible angle to stay up.” Ice berg tip: She delays bedtime so late that she’s missing sleep and frustrating the whole family. Underlying cause: originally, it was fear of scary things in the dark created by her very active imagination. Now it’s more of a game to see how much energy match her brain can get from her parents (although this is unconscious, it’s true. She shouldn’t be blamed, just redirected.) Solution: engage her in a conversation when it’s not bedtime, so she can hear you. Have her create a chart of the bedtime routine made of photos of herself doing each task. Rehearse bedtime so she gets a map in her brain for how it can look to go to bed without delays, arguments, nagging, and tears. Break the habit of the brain’s energy match by refusing to give emotional energy to her bedtime. Have her consult her chart, complete the tasks, and express how you are looking forward to reading a book when she’s all ready.
3. “He’s trying to get me to buy a cell phone and I think he’s too young. But wow, does he know how to wear me down!” Talk about this at a family meeting, not when your child is begging for a phone (no energy match for arguing about having one.) Give your child the benefit of trust and ask his good reasons for wanting a phone. Listen completely. Say, “Thank you for telling me those good points! Now, if you will allow me a bit to talk about it, I’d like to share how I feel.” After being respectfully heard, he’s willing to listen to you, too. Talk about the responsibility of having a phone: you pay money, you use it at appropriate times, you make sure people you don’t know have no access to your number, and you use it appropriately (repeated for emphasis.) That means you only call close friends and family, you only use it until 8 p.m., you never use it at school, you keep track of it so it doesn’t get lost, and you keep your calls to 15 minutes or less. No gabbing for hours, as each minute costs money. Ask, “Are you able to pay for the phone at this time?” And then go through each point, asking respectful questions. At the end of the discussion, if he’s not able to fulfill the requirements, assure your child that when he is old enough to pay for and manage the phone, he can certainly have one.
All of this takes thoughtful consideration on the part of parents, which means time and effort. It’s time SO well spent, as your certainty about limits and respectful approach pay off in lack of melt-downs and upset in the future. If you’d like help, let me know. Phone, Skype and In-person coaching are all options for learning these ways of approaching kids’ “ice berg tips” that are creating chaos in your home or school. To learn more about coaching, click here.
Spoiled Child? Use Mindfulness.
Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal, Parent Coach and Trainer
Are you worried that your child is spoiled? Five fundamental facets of mindfulness from Dr. Daniel Siegel can help you to prevent more spoiling, and alleviate the spoiling that may have already occurred.
1) The ability to be non-judgmental
Please don’t judge the spoiled child. The more you stay in a place of judgment, the more the idea of her being spoiled gets reinforced. Start right now to think of her as kind, considerate and willing to help. Whenever you see a millisecond of that behavior, say, “When you give me a hand with the dishes, I feel so happy and respected. It shows me that you really care.” This will assure that you’ll see that behavior again.
2) Non-reactivity, equanimity
Avoid reacting to spoiled behavior. If you fail to match his high spoiled energy with your high energy level, the behavior will dissipate. Give it time, and never give up.
3) Living in the present moment
In other words, don’t panic. Stay with the child in the present moment. Ask a question, rather than issue an edict. In advance, decide that saying, “I’m bored” is off limits in your house. Have your child make a list of favorite activities and post it on the fridge. If your child acts bored, just reply with “Remember? No saying ‘I’m bored’ in our home. Take a look at your list of things to do and choose one.”
4) Ability to label with words the internal world
Listen deeply to your child and ask her to tell you what’s really happening inside. She may be outwardly yelling because she feels she got fewer privileges than her brother, but the inward feeling might be very different. Instead of yelling at her for yelling, ask “What’s going on?” If she says, “I don’t know,” continue with, “If I guess how you are feeling, will you tell me if I’m right or wrong?” Then name a few feelings. “Would it be that you are disappointed? I notice you didn’t get exactly the same thing as your brother. Could that be it? If you are disappointed, you can tell me directly, and we can talk about it. You don’t have to yell.” This is enormously helpful with a spoiled child. She now has a way to communicate, while being truly seen. And once the true feeling is expressed, just stay with her. “You’re feeling disappointed. I sure see that.”
But don’t fix it. The real desire of a child is to be seen, not to be catered to in every moment. She just has a mistaken belief that being catered to is love. Real love is being seen.
5) The capacity for self-observation
Help your child replay the last upsetting scene, so he can get perspective on his actions. Say he just threw his shoe across the living room, barely missing the table lamp, because someone changed the channel. Instead of getting upset, ask him calmly to get the shoe. Let a few minutes pass, and then say, “Let’s run through that again.” Have him go back to his show, let someone change the channel, and have him throw his shoe. Then replay the scene. Have him go back to his show, let his brother change the channel, and then teach him words directly. “I am watching Sponge Bob. Will you change it back, please?” Coach his brother to say, “OK, but when it’s over, I’d like to choose a show.”
Once a child is spoiled, he’s not like a piece of fruit that can never be restored to an unspoiled state. You always have the opportunity, in every present moment, to turn the spoiled state into a cooperative one. Be mindful of this, and you’ll see the end of the spoiled behavior much sooner than you thought possible!
For help with implementing these steps, or any other child behavior issue, read about parent coaching. Click here.
Like this article? Share it on Twitter now: click here.
Surviving Summer with Intense Children
Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal, Parent Coach and Parenting Speaker
Here are some helpful hints for keeping the fun alive by reducing the potential for meltdowns, sibling arguments, and non-compliance this summer.
1. Plan ahead WITH your kids, so they know what to expect. Intense kids do not respond well to surprises. Put a calendar next to their beds, so they know what tomorrow brings.
2. Remember, there is no substitute for sleep. If your child is cranky, lying down may be the only solution. Try to avoid sleep deprivation by keeping the kids on a sleep schedule, even when they are having fun. The payoffs will be enormous.
3. Take time for yourself. Do not let all the “pulls” of summer activities wear you down. Take a relaxing bath, sit outside with no media and listen to nature, read a novel, enjoy the present moment.
4. Whenever your typically inflexible child weathers a change with no storm, give him or her heartfelt appreciation: “When you realized our plans had changed, and you stayed so calm, I was really impressed! It shows me you are able to help yourself go with the flow!” This could be right before you see her start to wind up. Any opportunity to reward success will be golden!
5. Put the kids in charge of their sibling issues. Say in advance, “I know you have disagreements sometimes, and I trust you to work them out in nice language. If you really need help, I’m here, but mostly I think you can do this.” When an issue arises, simply say, “How do you want to handle that with Christina?”
6. To kids, summer feels like the time for relaxation and NOT taking orders. Be sure to acknowledge that your children need down time, and make a point to allow for it. Say, “This is your own afternoon off, and you can do whatever you want to with it.” When the need for self-direction gets met, the willingness to take direction from others can increase.
6. Taking a trip? Give your intense child a job. Count on him for something very important, such as photos, journaling, navigation or meal planning. You’ll see excellent behavior if you make him the expert!
7. Re: the photo accompanying this article, get comfortable with dirt. It’s summer, and dirt is a sure sign your kids are engaging with nature and enjoying themselves!
Need help with your intense child? Call 651-453-0123 for professional parent coaching via phone, Skype or in person. Click here for all the details on coaching.
Copyright Tina Feigal 2011
Transforming the Challenging Bedtime
Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal
“How do we take the pain out of a challenging bedtime?” Among the parents I coach, I find that that this nearly- universal issue arises at some point in the coaching process. Here are some solutions to this often-frustrating everyday issue.
Set up a family meeting. Using the same technique you would with a respected adult, ask your child if she will be available at 7 p.m. on Tuesday to discuss an important issue. This gives the child a sense of being respected and also infuses a feeling of importance into a family issue. I recommend this approach for any topic that needs discussion in your family life.
Use the meeting to lay out the issue of bedtime squabbles as objectively as you can. You might say something like, “I have noticed that we are having trouble settling down without an argument at bedtime. I know that when this happens, we have frustration, delaying, yelling, and tears. The funny thing is, we go to bed every night. Let’s do what we always do, which is say it’s time for bed, go to the bathroom, brush teeth, put on our p.j.s read a story, say good night, and turn off the light. Only let’s do that without the yelling! Would you kids like that? “Yes!” will be the reply. Then ask, “What ideas do you have that might help our bedtime go more smoothly? What do you think the rules should be?”
Use Present Moment Parenting for bedtime behavior management. Establish the rules for bedtimes with the child’s input. Rules should start with “no”: no getting out of bed once the light is out, no asking for more time, no stalling, no negotiating, no whining, no bothering your sister, no crying, no excuses. Children know what the rules are, and the ones they offer will typically be more stringent than yours. Use the child’s rules religiously whenever practical, as this creates buy-in, which strengthens the likelihood that the rules will be followed. The clearer the rules are, the easier it is for the child to follow them. Practice the bedtime routine when it’s not bedtime to help the child get a map in her brain for how it’s supposed to look. This is great fun for the kids, and it increases the likelihood of buy-in, in the same way as creating the rules.
If a rule is broken, there is an immediate, non-negotiable break. A gentle, unemotional “broke a rule take a break”, is all that’s needed. The break should take place in the bed, since that is where the child needs to be, and should last 30 seconds. No energy (no talking, no negotiating, no engagement of any sort) should be directed to the child during the break. If the child refuses to take a break, say, “The break starts when you are calm, and as soon as you make it start, it can end,” with the firm conviction that you have decided that it is bedtime, and there will be no change in your decision. This system builds a sense of security in the child. It implies that you are in charge, and also that you have complete faith that she can go to sleep on her own.
All requests for behavior should start with, “I need you to” rather than questions such as, “Would you please” or “Would you like to” which imply a choice. Remember, when you are clear and certain, you are giving your child a huge gift. It may take a few nights of this clarity for the child to adjust to the routine, but it will be well worth the effort. Every minute you spend making this work now will pay off significantly in the future. You are teaching your child that she can go to sleep on her own just like a big person. This is very valuable information for her, as it will help her to believe in herself in other areas, too.
For steps that are completed with cooperation, use heartfelt appreciation to show that you are noticing and valuing her actions. This creates a powerful heart-to-brain neural pathway for goodness, which strengthens the desired behavior significantly. You might say, “I see that you have your teeth brushed and are headed for your room. Thank you so much for following our plan, Kristi. Every time you do this stuff, I feel like you are making this house such a wonderful place to live!” Using the formula “When you … I feel … because …” for this feedback makes remembering how to deliver it much easier. (For more information on Present Moment Parenting, visit www.parentingmojo.com.)
Set a definite bedtime. Younger children should go to bed earlier than the older ones if there is an age difference of two years or more. Usually a half hour is ample time to separate the two bedtimes. If you have four or more children, you may want to make bedtime more uniform so that you assure your adult time at the end of the day. This is very important. Knowing that you, as a single parent or with your spouse or partner, can definitely count on some winding down time helps you to handle the challenges that will come tomorrow. Do not consider this optional. You need your time alone or time together. It is very good modeling for your children, as well. They need to know that time to oneself or as a couple is vital to healthy adult living, and that it also ensures that mom and dad will be in a much better mood tomorrow.
Include any special rituals in the bedtime routine that the children deem important, and that are acceptable to you. Rituals might be as simple as: wash your face and brush your teeth, take a drink of water, put on p.j.s, say goodnight to the fish, read with mom or dad, settle in for sleep. To communicate respect for her process, indicate that you are as bought in to the ritual as is the child; be sure to remind her to say goodnight to the fish if she forgets. Rituals are very important for children’s transition to the next activity, especially at bedtime. They provide a sense of continuity and comfort, which is vitally important to raising healthy kids. Reading together is my favorite bedtime ritual, as it points out that you value reading and learning, it offers a great opportunity for snuggling, and most important, it truly allows the child to feel your slowed-down, caring energy.
Requests for extending the reading time will be lovingly denied when lights out time has arrived. Make a comment such as, “It makes me so proud to see that you love to read this much, Honey, but tomorrow is another day, and you can read during any free time you have. Now I need to see the light out. Good night. I love you very much.”
Then leave the room and consider the day with children completed (unless, of course, there is a true illness.)
If your child has a problem with separating from you or with nightmares, here are a few options to consider: Place a nightlight in the child’s room. As part of including your child in the solution, have him go with you to the store and pick out a special one. Some nightlights are in the shape of child-friendly characters, but young imaginations can turn them ugly in the night. Neutral nightlights are probably the best. Some have fragrances that can be calming, but they do run out of scent. You may avoid trouble by buying two or three, so that there is always a back-up on hand.
When my youngest son was four years old, he had severe nightmares and was afraid to go to sleep. A friend gave me some room spray that made dreams sweet and not scary. We sprayed the room every night for a few months, and that, with some gentle reassurance, took care of the nightmares. Any type of pleasant spray can serve the purpose. Of course, if your child has sensitivities to chemicals, perfumes, or odors, you will want to avoid this one. Dream catchers are Native American creations in which small hoops with weavings, beads, and feathers, serve to filter out the bad dreams and only allow the good ones. They are wonderful, durable devices for helping children make the transition into a restful night’s sleep. They are fun and easy to make, as well!
Use lovies (dolls, stuffed animals, blankets) generously. Assigning characteristics to them gives the child a sense of control over the night. “My bear knows how to scare away the monsters” is a good indicator of coping in the child whose ability to tell truth from reality is not yet fully developed (typically after age four.) “My dolly can help me dream good dreams” is another helpful statement of empowerment over the night’s threatening feelings. If your child has not ascribed these characteristics to the stuffed animal of choice, it is all right to gently suggest them. “Do you know that this doll came with instructions that said it can help kids sleep well?” Never take away, or threaten to take away, an object that comforts the child at night for any reason. A break is always a better choice for helping the child to gain control of her behavior.
If the child seems too old for the blanket, doll, or stuffed animal, do not be the one to decide whether it is time to give it up. That decision is the child’s, and will be made when he or she is ready. It hurts no one for him to hang on until it’s time to let go, and may be a crucial aide in his emotional development. And never make a decision about the appropriateness of a lovie based on the child’s gender. Little boys who love baby dolls and little girls who carry around their G.I. Joes need the same love and acceptance as their counterparts who depend on same-gender lovies. A positive approach is to ask after the well being of the lovie. “How is Lucy Light today? Have you and she been having fun while I was away?” If spending the night at a friend’s house with the lovie becomes an issue, leave the decision about whether to take the lovie along to the child. Many friends are relieved to see their buddies unpack their lovies when bedtime arrives. It indicates that they are all part of the same “child club” still in need of certain comforts at night. If your child does receive some ridicule for having the lovie along, she can decide what to do about it. She may want to come home, or she may keep the lovie with her and let the ridicule go. She may decide to put it back into her bag for the night. Trust your child’s sense of what will keep her the most comfortable in the situation, and assure her that she can call you to consult on it at any time.
An example of implementing the plan:
Alan and Alicia Elberg had had it with their children, Madison, age 6, and Josh, 11, at bedtime. They were in a constant state of disruption and sleep deprivation especially from Josh’s behavior. He was getting out of bed after lights out, arguing that he was not being treated fairly, saying he was scared, and insisting on more water and food. By the time the battles had been fought over each of these issues, Alan and Alicia were so exhausted and angry that they were at the end of their rope. They were open to any and all suggestions, and decided to give Present Moment Parenting a try.
The Elbergs had their first family meeting, and included their children in creating solutions for the bedtime routine. They made sure that they paid close attention to the input and used a talking piece for the meeting. Whoever has the talking piece at the moment gets the full attention of the others with no interruptions. When finished, that person passes the talking piece to the next person and then gives him full, uninterrupted attention. The talking piece serves as a powerful physical symbol of respect for children and adults alike. The Elbergs wrote down all ideas and used ideas from each family member in their final plan. Josh, who has had the most trouble settling in to bed without conflict, suggested that Alicia or Alan give a ten-minute warning before bedtime. Madison said that she would like the warning to be given in a quiet voice. Alicia responded to their input by saying, “I notice that you are really thinking hard about ways to make our household happy at bedtime. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate hearing your ideas. I wouldn’t have thought of some of them myself. That’s what makes all of these thinkers together so valuable!” Alan contributed the phrase, “I need you to get ready for bed” as the signal for bedtime and said it would be delivered only once. Alicia added that there would be a break for anyone who doesn’t listen. She set the start of bedtime preparation at 7:30 for Madison and 8:00 for Josh, with lights out at 8:00 and 8:30 respectively, and all agreed on the plan.
The Elbergs wrote out the kids’ rules that started with “no.” Their list included no whining, no dawdling, and no getting out of bed, no bothering your sibling, no calling for mom or dad, no arguing, and no excuses. Although these rules struck Alicia and Alan as a bit more harsh than they had envisioned, they thought about the pleasant nature of an evening without these behaviors, and decided to go for it. Each child gave input to the bathroom routine, which ended up with Madison brushing her teeth and using the bathroom first, and Josh following with a nighttime shower to make the morning routine more simple. Madison added, “I want to say prayers with daddy every night, and I want to sleep with my new stuffed giraffe.” Josh said, “I want mom to help me set out my clothes every night so I don’t have to decide in the morning. That will be a lot quicker.” Contingency plans were created for evenings when Alan or Alicia would not be home at bedtime. Alan and Alicia stated that they would read or tell stories with each child, and that they would alternate reading with them. Dad would read a page and Madison would read a sentence, and mom and Josh would work out their plan as they went. A three-minute back-rub for Josh and a head-rub for Madison completed the plan for the nightly routine.
The Elbergs decided that lights would go out at the designated time and that Alan and Alicia will continue with their evening’s activities. If Madison or Josh breaks a rule, s/he will serve a break in the bed with no discussion at all, other than, “Broke a rule, take a break.” Alan or Alicia will be present in the room for the break to monitor it, but will not have any interaction with the child. After the break is completed, the parent will leave the room. (These steps may have to be repeated several times at first, until the child realizes that there is no emotional energy from the parent for breaking a rule.)
Alan and Alicia expressed their heartfelt appreciation for a great meeting to both children and to each other. They followed through with more appreciative expressions the next morning by saying, “I just love it that this is the way we do bedtimes now! I woke up so full of energy today and it looks like you did, too! You kids are the greatest.”
For many parents who read this, the preceding may look like a lot of extra work. No doubt it is extra energy out-put, but the amount of energy is about the same as the energy expended on negativity, and in contrast, it actually results in great improvements! Parents soon realize that the forethought and follow-through they give to bedtimes pay off in a huge way, and they get hooked. And once the children realize that their bedtime routine is solid and predictable, their need to test the limits diminishes significantly, and the chaotic bedtime scenes subside. There is, of course, no guarantee that every single night will be quiet and serene, but progress toward that vision is very possible. Parents who put in the effort toward planning bedtimes and thoughtfully implementing their plans say that it is well worth it when they realize the rewards: peaceful evenings, well-rested children and happy parents!
Copyright © Tina Feigal 2011