Archive for the ‘General’ Category

Saying No to One Thing Means Saying Yes to Another

As we Minnesotans watch an April snowstorm blanket the landscape with eight new inches of “pretty stuff”, it’s hard to accept “no” from Mother Nature when we yearn for Spring RIGHT NOW.  We desperately want warm sun on our faces, robins and daffodils, not boots, gloves, and snow shovels!

Isn’t it interesting to note how as adults, we have experiences that thwart our desires, just the way our kids do?  Last night, my son texted me an interesting thought to ponder.  “When we say no to something, we’re saying yes to something else.”  Then he typed, in his adorably thought-provoking way, “Opposition.”

When our children are oppositional, they are saying “no” to one thing, such as “brush your teeth”, “get off the computer”, “time for bed”, or “finish your homework.” What’s the thing they are saying “yes” to at that moment?  Of course, you might answer, more freedom to play video games, more freedom to stay up late, more freedom to watch a movie instead of finish homework.  But there’s more to it than that.

When children oppose their parents, they’re also saying “yes” to their own sense of who they are.  As young as 12 months, they’re wired to start opposing their parents’ requests because they are exercising their newfound will.  Is this a disrespectful aspect to all children?  Some may argue yes.  But it’s really more helpful and less conflict producing to see it as a natural developmental phase.  As adults, this is our job and we even benefit from celebrating that our kids with big wills are on the right path. We do better to support their will, rather than try to fight it.

So, you might say to me, “How do we get the bath taken in time for bed, when all they want to do is play?”  The answer lies in recognizing the emerging will as a vital part of the child’s growth as a person.  Acknowledging how much they want to continue to watch their favorite show, play their favorite video game, or finish up their art project, will go a long way toward gaining cooperation.  Say, “You’re really into this game, I can see! I notice that you’re gaining a lot of new skills by playing it. Finish this one game and I’ll meet you in your room, ready for bed in 10 minutes.”

This approach acknowledges the child’s will to play the game and also encourages, rather than forces, the letting go.  (We all know how well it turns out when we try to force a child to do something.)

Here are the 5 steps:
1. Establish a routine bedtime with your children’s input during a family meeting.
2. Tell your child exactly how you will let him or her know it’s bedtime.  Have him sit in front of the computer and rehearse this aspect.  Place your hand on his back if he can tolerate it, and say in a respectful tone, “See what time it is? I’ll meet you in your room in 10 minutes.”  That’s all.  He knows when bedtime is.
3.  Just wait respectfully for him to comply.  If it takes longer than you thought, rehearse again tomorrow, but don’t lecture now.
4. Give heartfelt appreciation for coming when he does.  Even if it’s a few minutes late, you want to let him know he’s been successful in coming to the room.  Reward what you want, and you will see more of it.
5. Have a peaceful, appreciative end to the day.

If you need coaching help with these steps, or any other parenting challenge, click here.

That’s NOT FAIR!!!

You’ve heard your kids claim this “truth” a million times.  How do you get them to stop throwing fairness up as their inalienable right?  It’s annoying, it feels like pressure for you as a parent, and you have no idea how to deal with it.

Here are five tips for dealing with kids who feel life is unfair:

1. This may seem a little harsh, but tell the kids, “We don’t do fair.”  It’s not a realistic expectation to think that life for every child will be equal and fair, so why hold it up as a family value?
2. Listen deeply to the feelings underlying the claim of unfairness.  “I imagine you are saying that because you feel your brother gets more attention than you do.  Is that right?”  Being comfortable with the tough feeling a child is expressing tends to neutralize it.
3. Remind the child that each person in the family is having his or her needs met to the best of your ability.  We all have clothes, food, a roof over our heads, enough rules, hot water for baths, and lots of love.
4. Comparing “who gets what is a dead-end” conversation.  Let the kids know that their legitimate need for material things will be met, and so will their siblings’, and it won’t always be the same or at the same time.  Give examples of when the oldest got a bike first because the younger ones weren’t big enough to ride yet; the musically interested one got piano lessons, while the hockey player got skates and ice time; the dancer got ballet lessons and the one who loved Karate had lessons, too.  It wasn’t the same (which kids sometimes think is “fair.”)
5. Show your kids how adults don’t live in the world of fairness, either. Every time mom buys a new pair of jeans, dad doesn’t run out and get something of equal value.  You both know you’ll be able to get the clothes you need, but not at the same time, and not necessarily items that cost the same.

Part of this exercise is releasing your own thinking that everything in your child’s world should be fair. It’s an easy trap to fall into when you have more than one child.  But it’s also fairly easy to correct.  Just say, “We don’t do fair, but we do provide for and love each of you.”

If you’d like more information about parent coaching on this or any child-rearing topic, click here for all the details. 

How to Parent Well When You Have Your Own Emotional ”Stuff”

Parents often wonder if they can actually be good for their kids when they are carrying emotional baggage from their own childhoods.  They think, “How do I parent this child well when I have my own emotional stuff?” It’s a legitimate question, and I’d like to answer it from the perspective of having coached a powerful man who conquered a hard upbringing to connect, and connect well, with his grandson.

Adam was raised in a situation where his own parents didn’t take care of him, and he needed to live with other adults.  The understandable resentment for this was a part of the ongoing landscape of his emotional world.  And (who knows how this happens?) during his first marriage he became the step-grandpa to a now-12-year-old boy, fully responsible for him after the tragic and untimely death of his wife.  When I met this fabulous grandpa, he was remarried to an absolute saint, Gretchen, who had never had children.  Together, they were raising a boy who has two living parents, neither of whom took responsibility for him.  Anyone who knows kids understands that this is an extremely difficult situation for a child … having two ambivalently attached parents causes mountains of questions.  Why don’t they live with me and care for me?  What did I do wrong to cause them to reject me?  Why don’t they make it better when it seems as if they could? Why do they keep messing up?  And it also results in (again, understandable) acting out that would try even the most patient adult.  Yelling, screaming, pounding, refusing, swearing, leaving the house … you name it.  Adam and his beloved Gretchen  fielded all of this from Graydon with Herculean grace (and yes, some rough arguments).

Adam repeatedly came to me with his own questions about how to make life better at home.  And as he did this, he listened intently, even at times struggling with his own deep emotions, wanting to control the boy so he didn’t remind him so much of himself.  But the boy would not be controlled by the typical, “Do as I say” approach.  This led to a lot of conflict.

As our time together progressed, I watched as Adam learned to put his own emotions on the shelf, not always, but often effectively enough to build a strong bond between himself and Graydon.  He set limits, which was often painful for both Adam and his grandson.  He created and held healthy boundaries between Graydon and his non-custodial dad and mom.  He spoke of respect, instilled values, and stayed the course.  He skied with Graydon, threw the ball with him, and asked him about his homework.  He limited video game use and access to the phone.  He encouraged friendships and facilitated outings and sleep-overs with his middle school buddies.  He took Graydon on trips to see unexplored parts of the country.  He sat in the stands at his basketball and baseball games, and taught him about teamwork.  When he heard the coach compliment Graydon, he was sure to let him know.  He accompanied his grandson to therapy appointments to help him feel safe to talk about his feelings.  On my advice, he even wrote notes to Graydon, expressing the positive things that were sometimes hard to say between “guys”, but were huge in their impact.  He spent special time with him every evening before bed, connecting with Graydon on an emotional level, even if they’d had a bad day.  All this, with his own wounded childhood, his own feelings of rejection and anger, lurking in the background.  For his grandson’s sake, he dug deep regularly, and simply put Graydon first.

I found myself in awe, wondering where he got the inner strength to parent this often rebellious, oppositional child with such love. We hear about children’s resilience in the literature, but who ever talks about grandparents’ resilience?  Who makes a big deal of someone like Adam who wrestled with his demons regularly and emerged the hero for Graydon, teaching him by example that he could be better the next time?

It’s an honor to share this story.  I write it as I prepare to attend Adam’s utterly untimely memorial service.  Yesterday he died at age 57 with much love left to give.  Adam inspired me, and I will forever feel blessed, having known him at his finest, even in the hardest moments. Graydon got the message of love from Adam, not perfectly, not every minute, but he got it.  And that’s what it takes for a child to grow up emotionally healthy – one truly caring adult who, through his love, frees you up to do, and be, your best.

Parent coaching info is available at www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching.

Holiday Gifts Raising Havoc?

Are the gifts your kids received for the holidays creating havoc in your home?

Are you at a loss as to how to handle this sticky situation?

Let’s say your child received a new PS-3 or Xbox from well-intended but misguided grandparents. Your child is spending way too much time on it. It’s time for a sit-down to repair damaged family relationships and restore harmony in the home.

Here’s what to say:
“I’m the parent and it’s my job to make sure your growing up time is balanced with fun, family, and contributions to our lives. I need to check on the balance now and then. When I checked today, I saw that you’re spending a lot of time on the PS-3, and less time with us. I also notice that your mood is lower and you’re more cranky when you play the games. So we need to make an adjustment. I want to hear your ideas for how to resolve this issue.”

Allow time for the child to think. He or she may become defensive, saying, “It’s my game and I can play it whenever I want to! Grandma gave it to me!” or “I’m not cranky! You’re the one who gets cranky when I play!”

Don’t defend your point here. Just stay with the agenda, which is to resolve the problem. Say, “I’m not interested in arguing about this. But I am interested in hearing your ideas for resolving it. Do you want to offer some right now, or do you need some time to think about it? Take your time. It’s important and I want you to have a chance to think. Maybe you could come up with a few options that we could discuss next time we talk about this.”

When you call the next thinking session, ask your child what he or she decided. Consider the options carefully, not hurrying, asking clarifying questions. If you can live with one of the ideas, say so and consider the issue resolved. If you need to negotiate, say, “I like number 3 because it’s well-thought-out. What would you say to including it with some of my ideas?” Offer your thoughts and decide together on a solution.

This type of collaboration is vital for making decisions that stick. It includes the child in the decision, avoiding the authoritarian “my way or the highway” approach. It models the type of collaboration you expect from your child. You are always teaching with your behavior, don’t forget.

If your child can’t come up with a solution, keep at it anyway. Offer three or four of your own ideas and ask him to rank order them. This keeps choice in the forefront, still including the child in the solution. Again, offer him time to think. The more you do this, the better the decisions will be.

Once a decision is made, post it prominently in the home where the child gets a frequent review. State it positively like this:

The Becker Family has decided together that 1 hour per week is the perfect amount of time for video games. I pledge to help our family stay strong by honoring the 1-hour limit.

Decide together what will happen if the limit is not being honored. You may evoke the parental right to turn the machine off, which is appropriate. Just be sure this is decided in advance, so there are no surprises. If you encounter resistance, don’t argue. Just do as you all decided, turn off the machine, and engage the child in something else. Your actions will speak loudly, and you won’t have to get engaged in a power struggle.

Peace to your homes in 2013! If you need help with this or any other parenting issue, call Jacy at 651-964-4750 or write tina@parentingmojo.com for an appointment.

Introducing the New Baby to Your Toddler

Tina Feigal © 2012

To bring a baby into a toddler’s life is a crisis for the former king or queen of the house.  To leap over his or her feelings and just try to introduce a baby, expecting harmony, is not realistic or wise.  Imagine your husband or wife saying, “I’m going to get a new spouse.  It’s going to come soon, will be helpless, and a lot cuter than you, because she’s smaller.  Other people will greet the little new spouse with joy and delight, and sort of give you a passing glance.  Or worse, they’ll ask you if you like the new spouse, and fully expect you to show how happy you are that this intruder has arrived to take up your parents’ time and energy, so there’s less for you.”

See what I mean?  It’s a huge thing for many children to have a sibling enter their world. And it’s also very good.  They learn that they do share their parents with someone else, which is a very helpful lesson for the future.

To introduce the baby to a toddler, include the toddler in your talk about the baby, encouraging touch of mommy’s belly, talking to the baby (yes, he or she will find that little voice familiar and pleasant after the birth), and read picture books about the new baby.  Show the toddler where the baby will sleep, what clothes the baby will wear, and how he can help.  Making a helper out of your toddler goes a LONG way toward helping him adjust.  Whenever anyone, even an adult, feels fearful, the best way to overcome it is to have a role to play to protect others.  It’s the same for toddlers.  If you say, “Your baby will need your help when he comes.  I’ll have to ask you to grab a diaper or get me the pacifier.  I am going to love having your help, because when you were a baby, I didn’t have a big brother or sister to help out.  When the baby gets older, you’ll be teaching him everything you already know.  You will always be the oldest kid, so you’ll have a lot to teach!”

Your toddler is VERY curious about every aspect of your new baby, in the same way that she’s curious about everything else. Encourage the curiosity, rather than forbid exploring the baby.  Saying, “Don’t get too close,” sends the wrong message.  Saying, “You love seeing her fingers and toes, don’t you? Let’s count them!” sends the message that you have a positive view of your older child’s perspective, which prevents and/or softens rivalry. If the touching is invasive or too rough, teach gentle touch directly, saying, “This is how we do it gently.  Thank you for being so gentle.  The baby loves that!”

For young toddlers, when you hold the baby, also hold the toddler.  That’s why parents have two arms and two legs, a lap big enough for everyone.  Invite the toddler for holding even when he doesn’t ask for it.  This says, “You are still very important in my world, and I want you near me.” If you give the opposite message, “You need to grow up now because my attention has to be on the baby,” you are in for rivalry.

Have definite conversations, saying, “It might seem that since we have a new baby, I only love her, and not you. (Concrete concepts for concrete thinkers, which toddlers are.)  But of course I still love you as much as I ever did!  Love gets bigger when a new child comes, and now the love in our family is bigger than the whole world!

If the older child is melting down, don’t make it about the baby.  It’s just his or her internal need to have something he or she can’t have, which would be happening regardless.  Also, EXPECT a bit more melting down than usual when the new baby arrives, and you won’t be surprised by it.  React with calm and reassuring words, and the meltdowns will subside.  If you overreact, you reward them, and they stay a lot longer.  If there’s a long tantrum, simply whisper, “Would you like to calm down now, or would you like to keep crying?”  Whispering is highly effective, as the child has to stop to hear what you’re saying.  Giving this in the form of a question puts the disempowered child in a place of decision-making and appropriate power.  The more appropriate power he or she has, the less inappropriate power he or she will seek.

Follow your toddler’s lead on interacting with the baby and don’t push “love” on him.  The love will likely bubble to the surface on its own, and then you can react to it with heartfelt appreciation.  Make it normal and delightful that your older child loves the younger one.  Don’t expect perfection, and you will have a happy experience introducing the new baby to your toddler.

What to Give Your Child for the Holidays

by Tina Feigal © 2011

This holiday season, I’m encouraging you to give your child a different kind of gift than the one you visualized when you read this article’s title.

Each year, kids are excited about the gifts they will receive.  Visions of XBOX 360s, Wii’s, iPhones, skis, dolls, trucks, stuffed animals, Legos, and a variety of other gifts float through their heads.  After the holiday, the gifts often lose some of their allure, and kids are back to saying, “I’m bored.” So let’s focus instead on a gift that keeps on giving.

I’m going to suggest that you give your child a sense of himself as a needed person for a gift this year.  It’s something that doesn’t come to most adults during the annual holiday buying frenzy, but it’s a gift that will keep on giving for a lifetime.  So stop for a few minutes and think of ways you can set your child up for feeling really valued, cared for, and yes, generous, during this holiday season.  After all, isn’t that what we all want?  Kids with a strong sense of their place in the world as contributors?  You have the power in this special time of year to create a kid with a true sense of purpose, something he or she will remember for years to come.

To create a success around being needed, take your child into your confidence around a gift you are thinking of giving his sibling.  Ask, “Do you think she’d like the red sweater or this cute skirt better?”  Then take your child’s advice.  It’s more important to build a giving spirit than to get the perfect gift.

Ask what he thinks he’d like to give his sister, and then offer to help him get it if he’s too young to have his own money. Give him heartfelt appreciation when he makes a selection, and talk up his gift before it’s opened.  Say, “I love how thoughtfully you chose this for Samantha. I think she’s gonna love it.”

Let your kids see you giving to people outside the family who may be in need.  If you are donating toys, don’t just take care of it when they kids are in school, but include them in the selection and the dropping off at the collection site.  This way they feel part of something bigger than the immediate family, and remember how fortunate they are.  Or if there’s a needy family in your faith community, be sure your kids contribute some of their allowance to participate in the family’s giving efforts. If you want grateful, generous kids, put more of your effort into fostering their gratitude and generosity than into trying to please them.

Giving doesn’t have to be material.  If you see an opportunity for your child to push the ottoman closer to grandpa’s chair, give him the gift of quietly suggesting he do so.  If you see him spontaneously sharing his time with a younger cousin, be sure he hears how much you admire that.  If she works hard to maintain a good mood when in a crowd of people, give her positive feedback so she sees what you see, a child who makes an effort for others.

The chances to give your child kudos abound at holiday time.  Plan now to tap the present moment to focus on them, and watch him “glow” with a strong sense of his own strength as a giving person.  The benefits are immeasurable, and everyone receives them!

For parent coaching on what to give your child for the holidays or any other topic, contact Tina Feigal at 651-453-0123 or email tina@parentingmojo.com.

Don’t Solve the Behavior Problem.

Solve the Real Problem.

Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.
Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal

Every day parents call me about their children’s behavior: “He bit the teacher at daycare.” “She won’t go to bed without manipulating every possible angle to stay up.” “He’s trying to get me to buy a cell phone and I think he’s too young. But wow, does he know how to wear me down!”

Of course, this is what I hear … I am, after all, a parent coach! I actually WANT people to tell me what’s happening with their kids, so I can help them resolve it.

But what I find interesting is that we as adults focus on the behavior, not the underlying cause. The behavior is always just the tip of the proverbial ice berg, just an indicator of something big going on underneath. When parents and teachers focus on the ice berg tip, they feel as if they have good reasons: “He’s being so disrespectful and it has to stop.” “I can’t let him just get away with talking to me (or hitting me or biting someone) like that.” The desire to stop the behavior, and stop it now for once and for all, seems overwhelmingly urgent because parents and teachers feel judged if the child in their care misbehaves. They want to get along, not fight with their kids. And they feel responsible for fixing it immediately.

Here’s where we get into trouble: we cannot make someone stop their behavior … a harsh reality, but it’s really true. From the smallest child to the oldest adult, the internal urge to behave, however badly, usually overrides the desire of someone else who wants them to stop it. So the only answer is to dig underneath to the huge slab of ice below the water and see what’s causing the tip.

It takes some time and development of skills to “read” a child to determine what underlying causes of behavior are being expressed. Mostly we’re in too much of a hurry to take this time, but when the pain gets bad enough, I find parents are very willing to spend it on finding true solutions. I am always impressed by how willing they are!

Here are a few tips on figuring out the underlying cause of behavior, so you can resolve it instead of the behavior itself:

1. “He bit the teacher.” This is a child who does not respond well to being touched when the teacher wants him “over here.” She inadvertently sparks a big response when she takes his shoulders to reposition him. Ice berg tip: He bit the teacher. Underlying cause: extreme sensitivity to touch by people who are not well-known to the child. Solution: respect his need to be told verbally what’s expected, and refrain from moving him physically. End of “bad behavior.”

2. “She won’t go to bed without manipulating every possible angle to stay up.” Ice berg tip: She delays bedtime so late that she’s missing sleep and frustrating the whole family. Underlying cause: originally, it was fear of scary things in the dark created by her very active imagination. Now it’s more of a game to see how much energy match her brain can get from her parents (although this is unconscious, it’s true. She shouldn’t be blamed, just redirected.) Solution: engage her in a conversation when it’s not bedtime, so she can hear you. Have her create a chart of the bedtime routine made of photos of herself doing each task. Rehearse bedtime so she gets a map in her brain for how it can look to go to bed without delays, arguments, nagging, and tears. Break the habit of the brain’s energy match by refusing to give emotional energy to her bedtime. Have her consult her chart, complete the tasks, and express how you are looking forward to reading a book when she’s all ready.

3. “He’s trying to get me to buy a cell phone and I think he’s too young. But wow, does he know how to wear me down!” Talk about this at a family meeting, not when your child is begging for a phone (no energy match for arguing about having one.) Give your child the benefit of trust and ask his good reasons for wanting a phone. Listen completely. Say, “Thank you for telling me those good points! Now, if you will allow me a bit to talk about it, I’d like to share how I feel.” After being respectfully heard, he’s willing to listen to you, too. Talk about the responsibility of having a phone: you pay money, you use it at appropriate times, you make sure people you don’t know have no access to your number, and you use it appropriately (repeated for emphasis.) That means you only call close friends and family, you only use it until 8 p.m., you never use it at school, you keep track of it so it doesn’t get lost, and you keep your calls to 15 minutes or less. No gabbing for hours, as each minute costs money. Ask, “Are you able to pay for the phone at this time?” And then go through each point, asking respectful questions. At the end of the discussion, if he’s not able to fulfill the requirements, assure your child that when he is old enough to pay for and manage the phone, he can certainly have one.

All of this takes thoughtful consideration on the part of parents, which means time and effort. It’s time SO well spent, as your certainty about limits and respectful approach pay off in lack of melt-downs and upset in the future. If you’d like help, let me know. Phone, Skype and In-person coaching are all options for learning these ways of approaching kids’ “ice berg tips” that are creating chaos in your home or school. To learn more about coaching, click here.

To read Trae Bodge’s article where she interviewed

Tina Feigal on Technology-free Play, click here.

To read the article to which I contributed on eHow

Parenting on “How to Have a Nightmare-Free

Halloween”, click here!

Spoiled Child?  Use Mindfulness.

Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal, Parent Coach and Trainer

Are you worried that your child is spoiled?  Five fundamental facets of mindfulness from Dr. Daniel Siegel can help you to prevent more spoiling, and alleviate the spoiling that may have already occurred.

1)      The ability to be non-judgmental

Please don’t judge the spoiled child.  The more you stay in a place of judgment, the more the idea of her being spoiled gets reinforced.  Start right now to think of her as kind, considerate and willing to help. Whenever you see a millisecond of that behavior, say, “When you give me a hand with the dishes, I feel so happy and respected. It shows me that you really care.”  This will assure that you’ll see that behavior again.

2)      Non-reactivity, equanimity

Avoid reacting to spoiled behavior.  If you fail to match his high spoiled energy with your high energy level, the behavior will dissipate.  Give it time, and never give up.

3)      Living in the present moment

In other words, don’t panic.  Stay with the child in the present moment. Ask a question, rather than issue an edict. In advance, decide that saying, “I’m bored” is off limits in your house.  Have your child make a list of favorite activities and post it on the fridge.  If your child acts bored, just reply with “Remember? No saying ‘I’m bored’ in our home.  Take a look at your list of things to do and choose one.”

4)      Ability to label with words the internal world

Listen deeply to your child and ask her to tell you what’s really happening inside.  She may be outwardly yelling because she feels she got fewer privileges than her brother, but the inward feeling might be very different.  Instead of yelling at her for yelling, ask “What’s going on?”  If she says, “I don’t know,” continue with, “If I guess how you are feeling, will you tell me if I’m right or wrong?”  Then name a few feelings.  “Would it be that you are disappointed?  I notice you didn’t get exactly the same thing as your brother. Could that be it?  If you are disappointed, you can tell me directly, and we can talk about it.  You don’t have to yell.”  This is enormously helpful with a spoiled child.  She now has a way to communicate, while being truly seen.  And once the true feeling is expressed, just stay with her.  “You’re feeling disappointed.  I sure see that.”

But don’t fix it.  The real desire of a child is to be seen, not to be catered to in every moment.  She just has a mistaken belief that being catered to is love.  Real love is being seen.

5)      The capacity for self-observation
Help your child replay the last upsetting scene, so he can get perspective on his actions.  Say he just threw his shoe across the living room, barely missing the table lamp, because someone changed the channel.  Instead of getting upset, ask him calmly to get the shoe.  Let a few minutes pass, and then say, “Let’s run through that again.”  Have him go back to his show, let someone change the channel, and have him throw his shoe.  Then replay the scene.  Have him go back to his show, let his brother change the channel, and then teach him words directly.  “I am watching Sponge Bob.  Will you change it back, please?” Coach his brother to say, “OK, but when it’s over, I’d like to choose a show.”

Once a child is spoiled, he’s not like a piece of fruit that can never be restored to an unspoiled state.  You always have the opportunity, in every present moment, to turn the spoiled state into a cooperative one.  Be mindful of this, and you’ll see the end of the spoiled behavior much sooner than you thought possible!

For help with implementing these steps, or any other child behavior issue, read about parent coaching. Click here.

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Surviving Summer with Intense Children

Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal, Parent Coach and Parenting Speaker

These kids sure appear to be having the time of their lives!

Here are some helpful hints for keeping the fun alive by reducing the potential for meltdowns, sibling arguments, and non-compliance this summer.

1. Plan ahead WITH your kids, so they know what to expect.  Intense kids do not respond well to surprises.  Put a calendar next to their beds, so they know what tomorrow brings.

2. Remember, there is no substitute for sleep.  If your child is cranky, lying down may be the only solution. Try to avoid sleep deprivation by keeping the kids on a sleep schedule, even when they are having fun.  The payoffs will be enormous.

3. Take time for yourself.  Do not let all the “pulls” of summer activities wear you down.  Take a relaxing bath, sit outside with no media and listen to nature, read a novel, enjoy the present moment.

4. Whenever your typically inflexible child weathers a change with no storm, give him or her heartfelt appreciation: “When you realized our plans had changed, and you stayed so calm, I was really impressed! It shows me you are able to help yourself go with the flow!” This could be right before you see her start to wind up.  Any opportunity to reward success will be golden!

5. Put the kids in charge of their sibling issues.  Say in advance, “I know you have disagreements sometimes, and I trust you to work them out in nice language.  If you really need help, I’m here, but mostly I think you can do this.”  When an issue arises, simply say, “How do you want to handle that with Christina?”

6. To kids, summer feels like the time for relaxation and NOT taking orders.  Be sure to acknowledge that your children need down time, and make a point to allow for it.  Say, “This is your own afternoon off, and you can do whatever you want to with it.”  When the need for self-direction gets met, the willingness to take direction from others can increase.

6. Taking a trip?  Give your intense child a job.  Count on him for something very important, such as photos, journaling, navigation or meal planning.  You’ll see excellent behavior if you make him the expert!

7. Re: the photo accompanying this article, get comfortable with dirt.  It’s summer, and dirt is a sure sign your kids are engaging with nature and enjoying themselves!

Need help with your intense child?  Call 651-453-0123 for professional parent coaching via phone, Skype or in person.  Click here for all the details on coaching.

Copyright Tina Feigal 2011

What Your Child Can’t Tell You

Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal, Parent Coach and Parenting Speaker

It’s essentially a short-cut. If you want cooperative behavior from your kids, take the short-cut by training your mind to see what’s beneath the communication. Practice seeing your child’s innocence first, and working to understand what lies beneath the foul language, the time spent with the door locked, and the “interesting” style of dress. You will find a vulnerable, changing child who simply doesn’t have insight yet. That’s our job as adults … to gain the insight and act accordingly.

Rather than exhibit anger over disrespectful behavior, acknowledge there’s an emotion that the child cannot express directly lying just under the surface. Kids get hurt a lot easier than most adults realize, so they are compelled to protect their tender hearts by lashing out. If we don’t give them cause to protect themselves (by seeing what’s really going on) they won’t have to be so defensive.

So the next time you see a child “acting out”, ask yourself what’s being communicated. It will be an emotion that the child is too young or too immature to express directly, such as hurt, frustration, disappointment, hopelessness, or something else you can help to identify. Then address the child in those terms, rather than with your own irritation. Say, “You seem upset. Want to tell me what’s up?” or “How about you take some time in your own room until you feel better and we can talk?” or “I remember being your age and feeling that same way. Sit down, and let’s try to make this better together.” You are getting to the root emotion, rather than placing judgment on the child’s behavior. Congratulations! You are on the short-cut to better communication and better behavior with your child.

Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal

Parent School Collaboration Study

The Parent-School Collaboration Study offers parents of students with disabilities the opportunity to share their experiences in working with schools.

Parent-School Collaboration is necessary to ensure that students with disabilities experience academic progress and lead independent lives.

Parents will complete a survey about: themselves, their children, and their relationships with schools. To participate in the survey, please go to: http://tinyurl.com/2ednxtk

Email Meghan.m.burke@vanderbilt.edu or call (615) 585-1420

Attunement in Parenting: The

Path to Better Behavior

Copyright © 2011 Tina Feigal

Attunement - A fun word to say, a powerful word for parents to remember.

What exactly is attunement?

The dictionary defines it as “harmonizing with another.”  It’s a powerful tool that’s far too easy for parents to overlook.  We assume our job is to make children conform, which is the opposite of attuning to them.  How can parents use attunement to bring out the best behavior in children?

Picture this scene.  Four-year-old Henry is playing in the park with his 18-month-old sister, Alexis.  She happily toddles on the play equipment, which her brother calls his “boat.”  Henry creates all kinds of drama, steering deftly and slamming on the “brakes” to avoid attacks by sea monsters.

Meanwhile, their grandmother is watching intently to be sure Henry’s “noise stick”, a tree branch he uses to bang on the pipes of the apparatus while he steers the boat, is well out of the way of his sister’s eyes. Alexis joyfully discovers her body’s abilities on all the playground has to offer: slides, a dipping walkway, stair steps, hand rails and curvy places.  She is oblivious to the dangers – Henry’s noise stick poking her, being inadvertently pushed, or  missing a step and tipping off the “boat.”  Her grandmother, however, is diligently attuning to her safety needs, assisting her healthy exploration by keeping a sharp eye out to avert danger.

But she also has attunement to both kids’ inner play needs.  Grandmother listens for the boy’s dramatic play statements and responds from “within the story.”  “This boat is going fast!  Now we need to go around that monster!” She also encourages Alexis’ physical and emotional strength, delighting in her conquest of each playground challenge. “Look at you! That’s a big slide, and you did it!” Grandmother connects with the children in a way that acknowledges them as people and supports their growth.  When Henry’s stick becomes a hazard, grandmother controls her own anxiety, and rather than sternly warn or take it away, she deftly guides Henry to using it in a way that keeps his sister safe.  “Let’s watch carefully for Alexis so the stick doesn’t hurt her.”  She also continues to watch the movement of the stick, keeping in mind that Henry’s level of control is not the same as an adult’s.

The conversation between adult and child could have taken such a different path.  How often are you on the playground with parents whose dialogue sounds like this?  “Be careful with that stick!  You might poke your sister’s eye out!” or “That slide is too steep for you.  You might fall.  Come over here!”  These comments not only warn, but they predict the child’s failure.  On the other hand, the grandmother’s statements above plant trust in Henry’s ability to watch out for Alexis, and Alexis’ ability to develop her body’s skills.  Which do we want to teach?  Trust and watchfulness, or fear and failure?

Attunement requires understanding of…

and insight into, the child’s growing abilities – dramatic play for a four-year-old, and climbing and sliding for an 18-month-old.  Attunement involves getting inside the child’s world and supporting it, rather than staying in the adult world and correcting “mistakes.”  The difference is dramatic, and vital to healthy childrearing.  Attunement – a powerful word to remember!

Click here to learn about parent coaching.

Copyright ©2010 Tina Feigal

Family Meetings Support

Good Parenting

Copyright © Tina Feigal 2011

For those who are looking to use good parenting methods, family meetings are powerful tools.

You want to make your family’s process effective and fun. Use regular meetings to lift the children up by pointing out the whole family’s successes. And when there is an issue that needs the family’s attention, use the resource of the wisdom of each family member to resolve it.

Following are tips on holding a successful family meeting:

1) Invite the children to the meeting, showing the same respect that you would for an adult. If the children aren’t available due to needing to do homework, etc., ask for an alternative time. Buy-in for good behavior is increased by the respect you communicate, and by giving the children a voice in the process.

2) State that the purpose of the meeting is to decide together how things are going in the family, share successes, and make improvements where necessary.  This lets the children see good parenting in action.  A favorite snack will also be a draw.

3) Have a talking piece, a symbol that is significant for the family and that communicates the good parenting you want to convey.
a.) You may want to have a fun session creating the talking piece.
b.) Whoever has the talking piece speaks, and whoever doesn’t have the it listens.
c.) The speaker continues speaking until completely finished, rather than being rushed to finish so others can speak. (This takes the pressure off the speaker, and removes the conflict over the talkng piece. It also teaches patience with the speaker.) Anyone can have the talking piece back when there is more to say.

4)For the first meeting, state what you love about the family’s interactions at this time, emphasizing how well the kids are doing with current behavior issues, and then end the meeting. This leaves the children with a positive feeling about being contributing members of the family and about participating in the family’s process.  It also feeds your sense of good parenting, which can carry you through the inevitable hard times.

5)  If you have some issues with children not listening, this is a golden opportunity to notice listening and use your good parenting skills.  “Anna, I think I just saw you listening to Morgan.  I bet you can even tell me what she just said!”  Anna says what Morgan just said and you say, “I thought you were listening!  You are a good listener!”  This will reward listening, assuring that you will see it again.

6) Decide on a regularly-scheduled family meeting, on Sundays at 7, for instance. Guard your meeting time as sacred.

7) As issues come up between meetings, state that anyone in the family can call a meeting when they need support. This again increases buy-in to the process and to the solutions. You have just taught the kids that your family is a safe place to talk, and that you have a system in place for expressing concerns.

To read about avoiding oppositional defiance and obtaining more good parenting strategies, click here.