Archive for the ‘Disrespectful Children’ Category

PostHeaderIcon What It’s Like Coaching Parents

What It’s Like Coaching Parents: Traveling Further Upstream

I often get the question, as do we all, “What do you do?”  I realize now that people are asking, “What difference do you make?” or “What can you do for me?”  So I thought I’d write about my life as a parent coach, to give you a window on what I can do for you, or those with whom you work.

It all started when my middle son proved to be a fabulous, smart, adorable boy who also gave me a run for my money. He asked a thousand questions each day, and often didn’t like being told what to do. I found my way with him, stumbling often, but he grew up to become a wonderful person. (There’s a ton of hope!)

I became a school psychologist, inspired to make school a pleasant, or at least not harmful, place for kids who struggle with learning disabilities, emotional/behavioral disturbance, ADHD, ODD, grief, autism, giftedness, and a variety of other situations.  I had had a less-than-nurturing school experience as a kid, and was determined to change that for others. I kept thinking about what it would be like to be in school 7 hours a day, 5 days a week, and feel like you were always failing and not fitting in.  It was that feeling that kept me going in behalf of kids, to make each day one where they were welcome and accepted.

Then it dawned on me: “If I could go upstream a bit more, and get to the adults who love and care for these kids, we wouldn’t have to have so many evaluations for emotional/behavioral disturbance.”  Who better to do this work of bringing out the best in children than their own parents, who love them, have the most invested in them, and are there when the children need them the most?  Inspired, I hung my shingle as a parent coach and prayed.

That was 2000, and now I have a story to tell!  Each year since the beginning , I have had the enormously gratifying experience of helping parents look further upstream for the reasons behind their children’s behavior, and help them understand how to create peace in their homes.

I went on to teach at my graduate school alma mater, UW-Stout, to train parent coaches through my own business, and then to certify coaches at Adler Graduate School, where I continued to develop more ideas for making parent coaching work the most effectively, to comfort the hearts of parents and children alike.

If your child is being defiant (usually it’s pain being expressed) we’ll explore the reasons, employ insight, adjust the interactions, and see the defiance melt away.  When your child is oppositional, we’ll uncovered the particulars (she needs more self-efficacy, and to be seen and heard) and watch as she blossoms into the loving kid she was meant to be.  When he’s acting depressed and withdrawn (often unexpressed grief), we’ll help him grieve his losses directly, and witness miraculous recovery.

Yes, I think this is the best job in the world.  There is simply nothing like helping parents to heal their own child.

To date, I’ve trained nearly 500 others to coach parents and have been privileged to watch them work their magic with families. I love my position as the Director of Family Engagement at Center for the Challenging Child/Anu Family Services, where the other coaches and I work with Treatment Foster Care parents, bio parents, and kin. These are the most hurt kids, who have been moved from home to home “because of their behavior” (read: unexpressed grief) and we’re finding the same amazing results.  Working with parents who are not in the child welfare realm has been profoundly satisfying, as well. How much job satisfaction can one person have, I ask you?

My heart is full, full, full as I reflect on this incredible journey from mom of an intense and wonderful kid, to a school psychologist, to college and grad school instructor, to parent coach and trainer.  I can share this great news with people, offer hope they never dreamed of, and watch them create miracles in their own homes.  Even thinking about the generational effect of coaching is fabulous … kids who grow up with Present Moment Parenting may just pass that legacy on to their children!

I’ve come to realize that it’s never too late for any child to benefit from their parents’ understanding of the upstream reasons for behavior, and ways to calm them.  Yes, 17, 18, and 19-year-olds can experience healing through their parents’ evolution.  In fact I’ve coached parents of children in their 20’s, 30’s and beyond!  The principles remain the same, the parent-child relationship continues to affect the child for years, and it can always be healed.  What a concept!

How can I help you with your child, or train your staff to do this powerful work?

For more information on healing hearts through parent coaching, click here.

For more information on parenting coach certification, click here.

For information on my speaking and training events, click here.

To check speaking availability, click here.

Thank you for the enormous privilege of serving your family or your staff in healing children’s and parents’ hearts.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PostHeaderIcon How Can I Tell if My Child Has Trauma Effects?

How Can I Tell if My Child Has Trauma Effects?

You hear a great deal about trauma in the news these days, and you wonder if your child is showing the signs of having been traumatized.  It’s often hard to tell if the trauma is having ongoing effects on your child or if it was even traumatic to him at all!  Here are some examples of trauma and the signs of their effects:

The most traumatic event for a child is the death of, or removal from, a parent. Due to the internal imperative to survive, the child is biologically wired to connect with her parent, and if that connection is broken, even at birth, the signs of trauma can be seen.  But not in every single case. Some children are adopted at birth or later, and never show signs of trauma. Some who are adopted at birth feel the separation deeply.

If the connection to the parent is broken by physical abuse on the part of the parent or other adult, the effects are also significant, and trauma signs are likely to be evident.  Physical abuse is spanking, hitting, choking, restraining for long periods, burning, cutting, and more.  It’s hard to think that a parent would ever do such things to a child, but when a parent has mental illness or a chemical addiction, the urge to protect the child or avoid harming her is dampened or obliterated, and impulse control goes out the window. The child does nothing to provoke this, although the parent will insist that she does. It’s the parent’s lack of restraint that leads to physical abuse.

Similarly, sexual abuse will bring signs of trauma.  Again, it’s never the child’s doing that brings on the abuse, but the parent will insist that he or she caused it somehow.  It’s very likely that the adult has deep pain which is causing the sexual abuse, and also that the adult has been abused as a child. This is why sexual abuse is so horrific. It makes a criminal out of the victim. Sexual abuse profoundly confuses loyalty to the adult with sexual involvement, and can have lifelong effects on the child’s ability to form a healthy sexual relationship. There is no form of sexual interaction with a child that is OK.  Hugging, kissing, massaging, and washing are all part of normal child raising, but touching of genitals for pleasure – either the child touching the adult or the adult touching the child, is abuse. Showing pornography to children or photographing them in sexual positions or without clothing is also sexual abuse.

Emotional/psychological abuse is particularly damaging to a child. The reason this type of abuse (which is also often present with physical and sexual abuse) is so hard to identify and treat is that there are no outward signs of the abuse. In fact, the way systems operate, the abuser is often not stopped, as the law depends on physical findings to prosecute. Emotional abuse, in the form of  blaming children for everything that “goes wrong”, accusing them of things they didn’t do, playing mind games with them, calling them names such as stupid, filthy, unwanted (and worse) has more impact that physical abuse on the future mental health of the child.  It’s insidious, hidden where it cannot be healed, in far too many cases.

Neglect is also highly traumatizing for children. It conveys to the child that he or she is not worthy of parental care, which can go deep into the psychological landscape to create feelings of lack and low self-esteem. Physical neglect, emotional neglect, medical neglect, educational neglect, and exposure to violence are all types of trauma.

What are the signs that a child has had the trauma of abuse?
Children who have experienced trauma often have difficulty trusting others.  When they look to their caregivers as infants or at any age, really, and they don’t get their emotional and physical needs met, their brains undergo a change that involves not being able to trust.  This is not a choice, it’s a physiological response. Once the child touches that hot stove of connection that results in being abandoned, he or she is wired not to touch it again.

Other ways that trauma shows up are: decreased mental ability and memory, lack of “executive functioning” which means they have trouble remembering their homework, remembering to hand it in, organizing their rooms, backpacks or desks, and planning ahead. Constant anxiety is another sign of trauma, as are bed-wetting, lying, stealing, and emotional outbursts for no logical reason.  Sensory sensitivities are also frequently seen in children with traumatic histories. Visual, auditory, smell, touch, and taste input is felt as 1,000 times stronger than for those without trauma.  Another one is “interpersonal sensitivity” where a child is hyper-reactive to the presence of others.  Sensory seeking can also be a sign of trauma, particularly with sexual abuse. These children are absolutely compelled to replay the sexual scene, all on an unconscious level.

The purpose of this article is to highlight the signs of trauma, often also referred to as “stuck grief” for all the missed nurturing the child has experienced.  The next article will offer tips for helping the traumatized child overcome the effects of trauma.

For help with this or any other parenting issue: click here.

To order the book: “Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child” with chapters on help for parents of children with trauma, by Tina Feigal, Amelia Franck Meyer, and Mechele Pitt, click here.

To download the audio book of “Present Moment Parenting: The Guide to a Peaceful Life with Your Intense Child, click here.

 

 

 

PostHeaderIcon Holidays with Your Intense Child

Holidays with Your Intense Child

Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.
Copyright  © 2016

Holidays with your intense child can cause a great deal of discomfort.  You’re concerned about keeping things socially acceptable, you would rather not see “that look” on your sister-in-law’s face, and staying home in front of the TV never felt so appealing. But on you go, feeling the pull of family responsibility, not wanting to disappoint people – still knowing you will, because it’s almost impossible to take your child anywhere without a scene.

This holiday season, it’s time to get a handle on visiting others and helping your child maintain some semblance of civility.

Here are five tips for surviving, and even enjoying, the holidays with your intense child.  Yes, it’s possible, and no, you don’t need therapy or medication to get there.

  1. Talk in advance with your child about how it will be at the relatives’ house this holiday. Recall what it felt like last year and take note of how she talks about it.
  2. Consider that sensory issues are at the core of the misbehavior you see in your child.  Too many smells mingling, sparkly things and bright snow, tags in new clothes, sounds of people all talking at once, proximity of other bodies, and the taste of unfamiliar foods can throw a child into a state of complete undoing.
  3. Make a plan to decrease the sensory input for your child. Ask her what would feel good: would you like to go somewhere in the house if it gets to be too much?  How about spending time under mom’s big jacket? What breathing exercises would you like to do to calm yourself?  Focus her on special gift giving, so her attention is on others instead of herself.
  4. Decrease expectations for your child’s participation and ask others to do the same.  Remember that intense behavior such as tantrums come from being overwhelmed.  If you’ve already had a lot of excitement before the big gathering, your child may be simply unable to take more input. Ask for understanding, explaining that “She just has trouble with too much stimulation at once. We’ve made a plan, and I hope you can support us in it.”
  5. Go to her frequently throughout the visit to give her positive statements about how well she’s doing.  “When you take care of yourself while we’re at Aunt Sarah’s, I feel so proud of you.” “When you joined us for that little chat in the living room and gave out your ornaments, I could tell Grandma really enjoyed it.”  “When you were able to play with your little cousin in the den, I know it meant a lot to her.”

These statements help your child stay on a “string of successes.”  She will respond with more successes, as you are causing a response in her body that says, “I am good at this.”  The better she feels about how she’s doing, the more she’ll do it!

This may just be a great opportunity to come away with a successful visit, which you can talk about with your child, strengthening the bond between you along with her ability to cope! Enjoy your holiday with your intense child!

If you would like help with this or any other parenting issue, click here for all the info on parent coaching.

 

PostHeaderIcon Parent Coaching in Madison, WI

We’ve opened up parent coaching in Madison, WI, and we invite anyone in the area to get in touch with Kim Flood, Certified Parent Coach.

For more information on how coaching works, click here.

In-person, phone, and Skype appointments are available.  Why wait for things to get worse?  Email Kim today! 

PostHeaderIcon The School Year is Wearing Thin Already

The School Year is Wearing Thin Already

The school year is wearing thin already. We parent coaches usually see an up-tick in referrals from professionals and calls for help from parents at this time of year. Parents are distressed because homework struggles and/or behavior calls from school are increasing.  The newness has worn off, and learning issues are coming to light.  Children can’t do their math, they bother their friends, they seem testy and disrespectful, and they are emotionally wrecked by the end of the day. Gifted kids are disrupting the classroom because they are being under-challenged. kids with undiscovered reading disabilities are losing their hope. Those with ADHD are remembering that it’s more of the same every day … I can’t focus enough to do what the others do, and I don’t want to  be different!

What can parents do to help in these situations?  First, understand that if your child is losing interest in school this early in the year, it’s important to

  1. Listen closely to what he’s saying
  2. Avoid blaming him for being unmotivated.

    If the issues persist week after week, asking the school for accommodations and/or testing is well within your rights and responsibility. If it’s math, reading, or writing that’s causing the issue, the evaluation team can try some strategies to help your child. Do not wait for a few more months to go by. If there’s a true learning issue, the sooner you discover it, the better.  If the strategies (i.e., fewer problems or items assigned, moving to the front of the room, or more time allotted for tests) don’t seem to help, the team can decide that a formal learning evaluation should take place.This may involve:
    1. the school psychologist (IQ/learning strengths and weaknesses testing)
    2. the reading, writing or math specialist (grade level achievement testing)
    3. the regular education classroom teacher
    4. your input via surveys and conversation
    5. music, gym, and art teachersIf your child shows that there’s a significant grade-level lag in his or her abilities, special education can be provided for the Specific Learning Disability in the form of an Individualized Educational Plan, or IEP. The child will have programming, often in the regular classroom with the special education teacher co-teaching as a resource for special needs students.  Or the child may be in the special education resource room for math, reading, or writing.  Each school handles this according to their staffing configuration. If no learning disability is discovered, the child may be eligible for regular education accommodations that can support him or her. Many schools have supplemental reading programs, in particular, that can be of great help to your child.

If the problems at school are more focused on behavior and emotions, a similar path can be followed by the school staff.  After a request from parents or a teacher, a team meets to discuss the issues, and then accommodations (i.e., moving to the front of the room, more breaks between activities, and extra guidance at transition times) are made. If there’s not significant improvement, a special education evaluation can take place.  The process involves classroom observation, questionnaires for parents, teachers and familiar adults in the community, and sometimes surveys completed by the child.  The parents, the school psychologist, the regular classroom teacher, the social worker or counselor, and the Emotional-Behavioral Disability special ed teacher could all be involved. If the child is determined to be in need of special education in this area, the EBD teacher would write an IEP, and the parents would be invited to hear the details in a meeting. If the parents approve, the school can institute a regular program of support for the child, with contact with the EBD teacher, social worker, or counselor.

IEP’s follow children from year to year in school, and are reviewed annually. Parents are considered part of the IEP team, and are invited to all annual meetings to learn the results of the tests, and to hear of, and contribute to, changes in the plan. If a need for an early IEP meeting becomes apparent, parents are included in it, too.  Every three years, the special education team re-evaluates the child’s learning disability to be certain that services are still required. Some children mature out of their need for extra support, so they can be “mainstreamed” fully in the regular education classroom.

Some other children have conditions that interfere with their learning, such as hearing or vision impairment, medical issues, or ADHD, that do not qualify them for special education, but require classroom accommodations. In this case, a 504 plan can be instituted. This is a regular education program by which the school team and parents make plans to assure success in school for children whose needs are not in the special education realm, but are still significant enough to require help.  Read more about 504 plans here. 

You may also hear your child talking about the classroom, lunchroom, bus, or gym being “too loud.” She may say that she cannot concentrate in class because of certain smells.  You might hear that your child is struggling because the lights in the room seem to be flickering.  He may say that he cannot stand wearing jeans to school, but can only wear wind pants or sweats.  These all point to sensory processing issues (sensory avoidant), which can understandably interfere with learning. Some children have sensory seeking tendencies, wherein they are always touching a wall, other children, the floor, or furniture. They often bump into others and have difficulty keeping their bodies in their own space.  For some children, sensory avoidant and sensory seeking are both part of their landscape. Click here for information on Sensory Processing Disorder. These issues can be helped by Occupational Therapy, which is usually delivered outside the school setting, but is no less important than school-based services.  OT’s do provide services in school, but usually related to handwriting and other needs that are directly related to school performance. For more concentrated OT, ask your pediatrician for a recommendation, and start with requesting an evaluation from the OT.

Many children whose behaviors are found to be on the autism spectrum receive special education services in autism-specific programs.  Evaluations at school and by medical professionals help to determine if autism is the issue.  If you have a question about whether your child exhibits traits of autism, be sure to start the conversation early, as that will insure earlier intervention and more academic success for your child. Click here for the characteristics of autism in children. 

It’s possible to have sensory issues on their own, and it’s also very common for children with autism to have sensory issues. If your child has sensory concerns, it’s not necessary to assume autism, but it certainly warrants an investigation if some of the other characteristics are also present.

Auditory processing may also be an issue for your child.  This is different from the processing disorder above, where it’s hard for the child to receive auditory input.  This auditory processing issue involves the inability to get the message from the teacher when he or she is speaking. If your child repeatedly says, “I just didn’t hear him,” or “I don’t remember what she said,” this may be your sign that auditory processing is the issue. For children with ADHD, who appear not to be “paying attention,” you can assume that auditory processing is low. Think about how much of school is delivered auditorily, and it’s no wonder kids with ADHD struggle.

It’s also possible to be gifted and have a learning disability. Your child could exhibit “enormous capacity for novelty” and constant curiosity about topics way beyond the interests of her peers, and still struggle with math, reading, or writing. Do not be lulled into thinking your child is not gifted if one of these areas is not up to grade level. Ask for an evaluation to find out if your child is Twice Exceptional, meaning she’s gifted and struggles with learning in one or more areas. Sometimes gifted children have autism characteristics, as well.

Giftedness is determined by IQ testing. If a child doesn’t make the IQ cut-off for giftedness, the school district may consider the overall creativity, verbal adeptness, interest in advanced subjects, or advanced musical or art abilities to include the child in gifted programming. Many parents are reluctant to say, “My child may be gifted.”  Please, please respond if your child is showing signs of giftedness. These children often get overlooked and become discouraged in school, leading to behavior issues. They are vulnerable to depression and anxiety when their learning needs go unrecognized. School personnel who are not attuned to gifted characteristics may not recognize what is causing misbehavior or withdrawal, so it’s up to parents to call attention to this issue, and ask for testing. Again, this is your right and your responsibility.

This can be a dizzying collection of information if you’ve never had to deal with it before. Do not blame yourself if you feel you should have addressed these issues earlier. You could only do what you knew how to do!

If you need help sorting these topics out, parent coaching is the ideal way to get that help. Information on coaching is here.  Please write tina@parentingmojo.com or call 651-453-0123 for an appointment.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PostHeaderIcon Happy New Year! Now Put That Down!

Happy New Year!  Now Put That Down!



Comedian Louie Anderson answers the question: What made you laugh in 2015?

A. I made myself laugh the most this year thinking I was so smart or right about something. I can’t tell you how many times I searched for my glasses only to discover them right on my face, or thinking I’ve lost my iPhone or someone has stolen it only to discover that I was sitting on it or it was right there in my hand. Not to mention the keys in my hand, in the door lock or in the ignition of my car. “As plain as the nose on my face,” I can hear my mom say.

Parents, can you relate? I know I find myself laughing about this often. The thing that strikes me most lately is that I am holding something, totally unaware, while I’m holding six other things, and suddenly I’m spilling or making a mess because I failed to put something down.

So in the New Year, let’s all watch how much we’re holding at once.  When we are bombarded from all sides by children’s requests, paying  bills, doing laundry, buying food, making meals, going to the doctor, helping with homework, taking care of pets, cleaning the house (ha!) and attending to the needs of our work, ourselves and our mates, maybe we should think about putting something down, just for the moment.  “Present Moment Parenting”, we call it.  It involves taking something up, yes, but also putting something down.  Maybe putting several things down.

I’m not just talking just about physical “things” or tasks here, but also thoughts, distractions, and mind-wanderings.  Children sense when parents are not present, and they tend to exploit the situation, as you are well aware. They also learn distraction from us.  So if you’ve been complaining about your child not being able to focus, try taking a quick inventory of the times he or she has seen you in a distracted state (using the tablet, phone, or computer.) Maybe you’ll see where distraction is being reinforced.  And if you feel as if your child is demanding, again, take a look at how you interact with her, just to check whether she’s learning a demanding, hurry-up, right-now sense of urgency from you.

This sense of urgency seems SO necessary in today’s world, but it’s time to rein it in for our mental and physical well-being. We actually can slow our thoughts down to a normal speed, even though it doesn’t seem so. Consider this: at the end of the day, will it matter if you’ve had the average 50,000 thoughts or 20,000?  Who will be counting?  And what will you gain if you slow the thoughts down?  Perhaps a bit of peace of mind, perhaps a slower, more connected relationship with your child or partner.  Perhaps mindfulness and fewer health concerns.

I think yoga has enjoyed such popularity in the US and beyond in recent years because as humans, we realize the need to slow down is coming from our inner core. With all that goes on with a busy family, it’s very easy to get caught up in quick, impersonal, even commanding interactions that erode our sense of peace.  Let’s learn to listen to our inner voices and say no to the constant “hurry up” of modern life.  When we do, we give our children an enormous gift, for this present moment and beyond.

Happy New Year from all of us at the Center for the Challenging Child.
Tina

If you’d like help with this or any other parenting issue, please visit www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching for the answers to most of your questions.  Have more questions?  Email tina@parentingmojo.com.

 

 

 

 

PostHeaderIcon Five Steps to Helping a Traumatized Child Regain Control

Five Steps to Helping a Traumatized Child Regain Control

Tina Feigal Copyright © 2015

Stressed childIf you are parenting or teaching a child who has experienced trauma, you know that every day feels like a struggle.  This article is written to give you insight into the behaviors that are a direct result of the trauma, and ways to handle those behaviors.  There is a compassionate way to approach a traumatized child, just the way we treat animals with compassion when we adopt them, not knowing what they have experienced in the past. Let’s share this far and wide.  Our children need our compassion. And they are all our children.

1. Understand that the cause of the behavior is often the effect of stored trauma, not the misbehavior of a cranky child. A traumatized child cannot regulate emotions by “making a better choice” any more than a caged lion can remain calm when someone comes at it with a spear. Having had trauma (neglect; emotional, physical, and/or sexual abuse; hunger and inability to anticipate being fed; homelessness; loss of friends or family through separation, divorce, death, or incarceration; drug or alcohol abuse by a parent) changes the child’s brain. It stays in fight-or-flight mode, even when there’s no current threat. This is adaptive brain function, as the brain interprets it as assuring the child’s survival. It’s also difficult for adults who haven’t seen the trauma in action to believe that misbehavior comes from the brain’s over-responses to perceived threat. To help you remember, say to yourself, “This is trauma, not disrespect.”

2. Help the child regulate. If it’s safe to do so, give the child space; avoid approaching the child. After a period of quiet, ask “Would you like to keep crying (yelling) or would you like to calm down now?” Wait with a calm demeanor for the child to show signs of decreasing agitation. Model self-regulating techniques, such as sitting or lying down, breathing deeply, and using soothing self-talk. (I can calm my legs, I can calm my arms, I can calm my head, I can calm my hands, I can calm my feet.)

3. Identify true feelings. “If I guess how you’re feeling, will you tell me if I’m right or wrong? I imagine you are frustrated (angry, sad) because you wanted to do your own thing right now, and we are asking you to join the class.” Have the child draw the feelings on paper. This releases the child by helping the brain get the message, “I am seen.  If I’m seen I will survive. I don’t need to act out to be seen, because she just let me know my feelings are real and they are OK.”

4. Provide opportunities for sensory calming or remove child from sensory overload. For example, apply deep pressure (weighted blanket, hugs, self-hugs, pressure on shoulders or legs) or other sensory calming techniques.

5. Check for hunger, thirst, fatigue and/or oncoming illness, and attend to these needs by providing food, drink, rest, or medical care.

Final note: It’s important to remember that consequences do not work for traumatized children. Children who have experienced trauma are in disequilibrium as they have not had their basic needs met. They are experiencing fear for their very survival, and thus cannot attend to the needs of the environment. Their brains are in fight-or-flight, so the reasoning part of the brain is turned off, and planning ahead based on previous consequences is just not possible in this state. Instead of trying to “teach him a lesson”, stick to the steps above. It will save time and frustration, and especially important, it will keep the situation from escalating, which only fuels the brain’s over-response to perceived threat.

For help with this or any other parenting issue, for children of all ages, click here.

PostHeaderIcon What’s Your Child Doing Online?

What’s Your Child Doing Online?

Teens textingI get a lot of questions about online and cell phone activity by kids.  Should we respect their privacy, or be checking their texts? How about what goes on with video game chats?  Is it our business to know what they say and receive on social media?  And how do we handle talking with kids about this sensitive issue?

Consider these points:

1. Modern parenting requires knowing what your kids are doing on social media and saying in texts (the two most common ways they communicate with peers.)  We now have a “private” life to monitor about which our parents did not have to be so concerned.

2. When children’s brains are not fully developed, their impulses to say and do things that they would not normally do if a parent was present, put them at greater risk for bullying – either being the bully or receiving bullying.

3. Perpetrators are seeing their opportunities, and we need to closely check to be sure the “kids” our children are contacting online are actually kids, not sexual predators.

4. Social media is here to stay, so it’s best to confront these issues head-on, to protect our kids.

5. Open, honest discussion and consistent monitoring are your best strategies for keeping kids safe.

How to talk about it?

First, become familiar with the technology. Set aside a specific time to go over each outlet with your child.  This will include Facebook, but less and less with the advent of these more youth-driven applications:

Texting apps

Kik Messenger
ooVoo
WhatsApp

Micro-blogging apps and sites

Instagram
Tumblr

Twitter
Vine

Self-Destructing/Secret apps

Burn Note
Snapchat
Whisper
Yik Yak

Chatting, Meeting, Dating apps and sites

MeetMe
Omegle
Skout
Tinder

Source: Commonsensemedia.org

When I look at the list above, it seems overwhelming, as I am sure it is to many of you.  Keep in mind that if you are paying for a phone, you have the right to know how it’s being used.

And what’s a Self Destructing/Secret App?  The message only appears for a few seconds, and is gone forever.  This makes it much harder to monitor, and these apps should not be allowed.  Children are regularly posting inappropriate photos of themselves and their friends.  I know, it’s tough being a parent in these times.

Call a family meeting, and focus on the teens.  If you have younger children, it’s good for them to hear your stance on social media and texting.

Make these points very clear:

1. Yes, kids love connecting with their phones.  You understand that it’s a wonderful way to stay in touch.

2. We need limits on the phone and computer use, because so much can go wrong when kids are using them, even when they don’t mean to get involved with something they shouldn’t.

3. As long as parents are paying for phones and computer service, they have access to all account passwords, and run frequent checks.

4. Phones sleep in the kitchen at night, so kids get their sleep.  Research now shows that the blue light from electronics interferes with sleep, so this is non-negotiable, for health reasons.  (Also, it eliminates “too much freedom” to text at night.)

5. Respectful use of language when using electronic devices is not optional.  The best way to make sure it is respectful is to give positive feedback when you see respect.  Also, include your child in a discussion on what feels respectful to him or her, and how important it is to always show consideration to others.  Kindness does not only apply when adults are present and included.  It’s the way our family communicates at all times.

Challenging as this topic can be, it’s also a fabulous opportunity to share values with your children.  It can be so enriching to your relationship to face this topic with respect and appropriate limits.  That’s what keeps a child feeling safe.

If you would like help with this or any other parenting issue, please click here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

PostHeaderIcon My Kids Don’t Listen to My Advice

My Kids Don’t Listen to My Advice

AdviceWow, it’s frustrating when you KNOW what your kids should do, and you tell them directly, but they just don’t do it. What’s the problem?

Maybe it’s that we as parents typically toss out directives without much thought about how they land on their children:

“You need to get off the video game. It’s not good to spend so much time playing. You’ll miss the rest of your life!”

“You need to clean this room. If there was a fire, you would trip on all this stuff trying to get out.”

“You should always pay attention to the assignments.  The teacher gives you instructions, and  you need to write them down.”

“You need to get your education. It’s more important than your interest in music. There are no good jobs in music. Use that as a hobby, but get a real job.”

“Listen to me. I’m your dad (mom).  I know what it’s like to grow up and I don’t want you to make the same mistakes I (my brother, my dad, my mom, your sister) made.”

Sound familiar?  If it does, stop and think with me for a minute. If, as an adult, someone gave you these directives, would it inspire you to follow their advice?  Or would you tend to discount them, and do your own thing, grumbling under your breath, “Yeah, as if he knows what’s it’s like to be me.”

Here are some tips on gaining your child’s cooperation, rather than demanding it (which never works in any lasting way.)

1. Think about how you’d like to be addressed, and use that much respect in your tone with your child.

2. Ask instead of command.  “Let’s take a look at your time on the computer and decide together on a reasonable amount for each day.”

3. Use inquiry when talking about life interests.  Hold your own anxiety back regarding your child’s future, and just interview him or her on what’s wonderful about their music, art, writing, sports, math … any interest they show.  You are much better off supporting what comes from the child naturally, rather than trying to assign a future to him or her.

4.  Remember that your child is developing, not fully formed.  They make mistakes, and that’s how they learn. Allow for child development while you create your expectations.  If you need some guidance on this for teens, click here.

5.  For household tasks, express your heartfelt appreciation every time you see helpful behavior around the home.  “When you take your dishes to the dishwasher, I feel very appreciative because it shows me that you care that we live in a healthy home.”  “When you straighten your room, I love seeing how you arrange everything.  You made it so pleasant in here.”  “When you sweep without being asked, I feel so relaxed because it’s one less thing for me to do, and you do a very nice job.”

For help with this or any other parenting issue, click here.

 

 

PostHeaderIcon Handling Touch with Touchy Teens

Handling Touch with Touchy Teens

By Tina Feigal Copyright © 2015

Mom arm around sonYesterday I coached a mom to put her arm around her teen son and express her appreciation for the living room being picked up.  She let it go when I said it, but circled back to it later in the session, saying, “About that putting my arm around him? That’s not happening.”

We discussed what she thought may have been the reason for the “no touch” policy her teen was silently enforcing.  She said she didn’t really know, so I offered some ideas.  “That one,” she said after I gave a short list, “He doesn’t feel lovable.”

Sad as this is, it doesn’t have to stick. When this caring mom realized that her son didn’t feel lovable, we set about planning to help him receive her touch. Why? Because kids thrive on the unspoken acceptance that comes with touch from their parents. Even when they don’t seem to want it, it can be a powerful message of affirmation.

Another reason to help your child accept touch as a normal form of healthy expression is that you want him able to accept affection as a precursor to forming a romantic relationship.  This is normal development, and should be seen in a positive light. If you feel hesitant to touch your teen for fear of being misinterpreted as inappropriate, let that go. Kids need healthy touch from their parents. Arms around shoulders, soft hand caresses, hugs, cheek and forehead kisses, and for some cultures, kisses on the lips, are all bonding tools for parents and children. Don’t miss your opportunity to help your child learn healthy touch.

Here are 4 ways to build toward positive physical affection:

1. Let go of preconceived ideas about touch.  Open your heart to moms and dads showing physical affection to their teens, because they need it.  But don’t push when your child moves away from your touch. It may take a while before it feels comfortable.  Stay focused on the giving aspect of physical touch, rather than what you’re receiving. That will come later.

2. Start with your voice.  Use a tone that says, “I accept you.”  So if there’s a hole in the screen door, ask gently, “What happened?” and then, “What do you want to do about it?” A lecture at this time will only spark opposition, and won’t get you what you want, which is a screen replaced by your child and an intact relationship. Gentle inquiry will be interpreted as willingness to help them problem solve, but without the judgment.  That’s what teens need.

When you need tasks done around the house, meet with your children and ask, “How should we divide the tasks around here?” but don’t offer your ideas. Create a vacuum so they can fill it in with their solutions.  Use an appreciative tone when talking about their cooperation: “When you cleaned up the kitchen, I felt so relaxed and happy, because I didn’t even have to ask.  You are making my day!” (Note: Even if it’s not perfectly clean, do respond with appreciation.  We get more success when we reward their efforts without criticizing the exact way they cleaned up.)

3. If your teen isn’t used to touch, start small. You wouldn’t want to give bear hugs to someone who doesn’t ever hug you, so a warm touch to the forearm when you are talking will be a good start.  If that’s rebuffed, let it go and try again with a touch to the hand. When that’s gone well, use opportunities to put your arm gently on his shoulder when talking. Then work toward touching cheeks at bedtime. As these small touches are accepted, you can move toward a light hug, and then a “real hug.” The pace will depend on your focused reading of the teen’s signals, with backing off if it’s not well-received, and starting again with a smaller touch.

4. When your teen needs to feel lovable (and what teen doesn’t?) keep an open dialogue, supported by interested questions about his day, his friends, school, and sports. “What did you learn in science today?” shows interest.  “Did you get all your science homework handed in?” communicates controlling.  Teens are allergic to being controlled, so you’ll get a lot more conversation when you leave that part out, and just show curiosity. “Thanks for telling me,” is a great response.

Some teens are just not open to touch, even if you do everything right. That’s OK. You tried. But work on the tone of voice and helping him feel lovable anyway, as these are huge in allowing your child to grow toward healthy physical affection.

Maybe this article covered everything you needed on this topic. If not, and you’d like customized help with this or any other parenting issue, click here.

 

 

 

 

 

PostHeaderIcon Register for Transforming Challenging Child Behavior

Registration for “Transforming Challenging Child Behavior” by Tina Feigal
Colonial Church of Edina, 6200 Colonial Way, Edina, MN – Fireside Room.
June 9, 2015 6:30-8:30 p.m.

Name ________________________________________

Address _____________________________________

Phone _______________________________________

Email _______________________________________

Credit Card number __________________________ Expiration __________/_____________

Print this page and scan it to tina@parentingmojo.com or FAX to 855.329.2681.
Cost is $30.

PostHeaderIcon Getting Kids to Comply

Getting Kids to Comply

Tina Feigal Copyright © 2015

kids brushingI’ve had the opportunity to listen for parents’ themes the past few weeks, and one that comes up over and over is “How do you get kids to do what you need them to do?”

Here are five tips for helping them to comply, but without having to nag:

1.  Assume kids want to do anything BUT what you’re asking.  This is how they’re wired, to be focused on their own agenda, and not on yours. Once you realize this is normal, you won’t feel so frustrated when they’re only interested in their own things. This is more a brain wiring issue than “being self-centered.” It’s normal for them to be this way.

2. Talk to them with respect.  Don’t shout your commands from another room.  Take the time to go to them and make physical contact if they can tolerate it. A touch on the shoulder or back, just to be sure you’re connecting, is very useful in getting a child’s attention.  This will save a lot of time as you lead them to the task.  Also, touch is very affirming, which is powerful in helping children get out of themselves in order to relate to others’ needs.

3. Bring your children toward you by trusting them.  Say, “I trust you to do your bedtime routine tonight. I’ll meet you in your room in 10 minutes with that book you picked out last night.”

4. Stay focused on them until the task is done.  They have radar for your attention, so keep it honed for the period between when you ask and when the task is complete.  Again, this saves so much time on the back end.

5. Give your heartfelt appreciation for effort and for completion.  “When you respond to my request, I feel so respected and at peace, because you show me that you really are able to work together as a team.  Thank you!”  “When you finish what you’ve started, I feel quite impressed because you’re sticking with it until the very end, which is such a grown-up thing to do!”

Remember, giving your attention to the behaviors you want is the quickest way to grow those behaviors.  It’s also a lot more rewarding for you, which will keep you “in the game.”  Watch minutes get shaved off your normal routines, once cooperation is the norm!

If you would like help with this or any other parenting issue, visit www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching for info on how coaching works.  Isn’t it time you had a peaceful life with your children?

 

PostHeaderIcon Happy Valentine’s Day! How Can You Get More Love Out of Your Child?

Happy Valentine’s Day!
How Can You Get More Love Out of Your Child?

Copyright © Tina Feigal 2015

Valentine girlSure, she looks all sweet in the photo, but just tell her she can’t have her way, and watch the smile turn into something you just don’t want to witness. Sound familiar?

If it does, you may wonder how you help a child who can be very nice in front of others, but when it comes to being home with your family, is able to wreak havoc at any moment. Luckily, there are some great ways to handle this.

1. Have a heart-to-heart talk, just the two of you. Say, “Honey, it seems like I see such a great girl out in public. Your teachers just love you, you get along with your friends, and you’re so polite to their parents. And then you come home, and it’s all so rough. I hear demanding, yelling, stomping, crying and slamming. Can you tell me what’s going on? Maybe you don’t want to tell me right now, but if you do, I want to listen.  If not, I’ll get back to you when you’ve had time to think about it.  How about tomorrow at 5?” This gives your daughter time to reflect on what is going on. Maybe she doesn’t even know what her triggers are, but you’ve now respectfully opened the door to her figuring them out.

2. Whether it’s now or later, allow an open-hearted time to just listen.  Maybe she’s upset because something happened at school, but she was too embarrassed to talk about it. Maybe she’s mad at you because she feels like you never pay attention to her (even though it seems like that’s all you do!) Maybe she’s not feeling well, or worried about something. It could be one of these or myriad other reasons, but here’s your chance to get to the bottom of the feelings.  When the feelings are heard, the upsetting behavior won’t be so necessary. When a child feels seen and heard, she loses the need to get your attention in negative ways.

3. Listen without fixing or correcting. Just reflect. “You feel as if I never pay attention to you, and that makes you really mad.” Even if this is a preposterous thought, let it be. It will take some courage and big resolve not to correct her, but the return on investment of your time and attention will be tremendous. You are not seeking the absolute truth here. You are seeking her truth, whether it seems true to you or not.

4. Apologize if it feels right to you. If you have been too busy to give your daughter the attention she needs, say so.  “I’m sorry, Honey. I have been so wrapped up in (work, your siblings’ sports, the house project, my parent’s illness) that I have not been able to talk to you the way I’d like. Let’s make a plan for some one-on-one time this weekend.”

5. If you don’t feel like an apology is warranted, that’s OK. Maybe you’ve given your daughter “the moon” but she still doesn’t seem satisfied. Just probe now, very matter-of-factly. “When I took you to practice last week, that felt like you didn’t have enough attention.”  “When I gave you a ride to your friend’s house, you still felt like I wasn’t there for you.” “When I made spaghetti when you asked, it seemed like I still didn’t care.”  “When I bought you that top on Saturday, it felt like it wasn’t enough.” Don’t defend your actions, just try to get her to think about reasonable expectations.  She may say, “Yeah, you did all those things for me, but I still wanted that new video game.”  Now just hang in there. “I hear you. When I didn’t go out and get the game, you felt as if I didn’t really care about you.” “Yeah.” Then just say, “Thank you for telling me how you’re feeling.”  No lecture on gratitude, no defenses. What you’re doing here is letting your daughter hear the illogical way her mind is working.  This is much more powerful than your telling her, so allow time for it to occur.

6. Just wait a few hours or days. When kids have been out of line, and you give them time to process it, they can “bubble to the surface” with their own insight and apology.  Again, this is much more powerful than your mini-lecture on gratitude. The learning is coming from inside the child and her direct experience, which results in a much more effective lesson.

7. Give her heartfelt appreciation for her insight. “When you think about things and come up with your own ideas, I am really impressed! It shows how grown up you’re getting.”

You’ve just avoided a big scene, which may have turned into an even bigger one. You’ve equipped your daughter to think about her own actions without having to say, “Now think about your actions, Young Lady!”  We all know how well that works.  And you’ve engaged in a type of communication that sets the stage for more openness between you and your child. Win, win, win.

If you would like help with this or any other parenting issue, visit www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching, and feel free to call 651-453-0123 or write tina@parentingmojo.com for an appointment.

 

 

PostHeaderIcon What About When He Gets to the Real World?

What About When He Gets to the Real World?

Tina Feigal, MS, Ed. © Copyright 2015

Toolbox working manSo often when I offer parents techniques such as speaking in softer tones, not getting upset, listening deeply, and showing respect to a child, they say, “Well that’s not how it will be in the ‘real world.’ What about when he gets a job and his boss tells him what to do, and he’s just supposed to do it?”

Stop. Wait. We left something out of this picture.  It’s called “child development.” The point is that a child is not a “young man,” even though we often call him that.  He’s a developing person, so our expectations need to match his developmental phase, or we will definitely have a fight on our hands. When parents make unreasonable demands of their children, they rebel.  This is not unnatural, as the “organism child” knows what it’s capable of, and it knows what it’s not. This is more of an instinct on the child’s part than a willful decision. In other words, it’s not conscious.

Let’s take a look at expectations.  Would we apply the same argument about the workplace to other areas?  The man in this picture climbs to electrical wires 80 feet above the street to repair them.  So should his parents have started teaching him to shop for clothes, buy tools, drive to work, climb into a cherry picker, and know what to do up there to avoid electrocution when he was 8?  Probably not. But we often get caught in this trap of expectations when it comes to “controlling your behavior” and “showing respect” when we are equally off the mark regarding the child’s capabilities.

Sweet boyHere’s the 8-year-old. He’s not a developed man, as you can see.  He has no facial hair, beard, or pronounced jaw. He has no job, no mortgage, and only a third grade education.  He looks innocent, and he is.  If he crosses his parents, it’s because he doesn’t see the big picture yet, nor does he have the brain development to stop his impulses all the time.  If he’s had trauma, or a diagnosis like ADHD, Asperger’s, autism, or an attachment disorder, he’s a lot younger than 8.  He could use some softer tones, calm demeanor, listening deeply, and yes some respect, until he gets to the point where he needs to answer to a boss.

In fact, all children need those things.  And even adults do.  There’s no hard and fast “world out there” that’s guaranteed to chew your son up if you’ve been gentle with him during childhood.  But if he does encounter such a world, your gentleness has given him time and space to grow, mature, and become the kind of man who can take the inevitable knocks of life with grace and not anger.  The children who can’t respond well to adversity are the ones who were asked to “grow up” too soon.

Having your unique needs met when you’re 2, 8, 16, etc., opens the path to all your educational, social, emotional and worldly maturation.  There’s really no other way to get there.

If you would like help with this or any other parenting issue, visit www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching.  Call 651-453-0123 or email tina@parentingmojo.com for an appointment today.

PostHeaderIcon Making the Present Moment New with Your Child

5 Ways to Make the Present Moment “New” with Your Child

Tina Feigal, M.S., Ed.  Copyright © 2014

stock-photo-5368788-young-boy-playing-video-gamesParents ask about how to make the present moment more “real” to themselves and their children.  Does it really mean letting go of all past information about your child’s behavior?  And does it really mean putting an end to fear of future behavior?  Yes to both.  At a recent presentation by “The Mother of Mindfulness” Ellen Langer, I learned the phrase “making it new.”  I thought that was helpful, so I’m sharing it with you today.

Eli’s mom and dad came to me with this scenario. Their 9-year-old was habitually using bad language, refusing any household help requests, and opposing just about every request from his parents.  Tony and Marsha love their son.  They are feeling traumatized themselves by the constant resistance to everyday life with Eli, and they are desperate for help.

Here’s the way the scene usually plays out:

Tony: “Eli, it’s time to get off the iPad and get ready for bed.”

Eli: “No! I am in the middle of the game.”

Tony: “Eli, I said it’s time for bed.  I don’t want to hear another word from you on this.  We’ve talked about it 100 times.  It’s time for bed and I mean it!”

Eli: “I don’t care what you say. I’m finishing my game!”

Tony: “OK, if that’s what you want.  No iPad for a week.”

Eli: “That’s not fair!  You can’t do this to me!” and a huge meltdown ensues.  Tony feels out of control and awful, and Eli is completely out of his body with rage.

This is a regular occurrence at bedtime, and Tony and Marsha are ready to try anything to make it better.

Here are the five ways to do just that:

1. Realize that for Eli, it feels like the first time he’s ever played this game.  I know, it’s hard to imagine, but children’s thinking and adults’ thinking are very different.  Eli is completely absorbed, as the game feels new every time he plays it. Respect that turning it off is a big jolt to him.  Use a quiet and calm voice, and avoid letting it rise at the end, signifying, “I have this expectation and you’d better fulfill it!”  That triggers opposition.

2. Decide in advance (together) what time the game is turned off every night, and help Eli count backwards from bedtime, so he can get finished with the game at an appropriate time.  In the PRESENT MOMENT, when the game needs to be shut down, place your trust in his knowing of the rules, and stay with Eli’s emotions.  “I know you know it’s time to get finished.  It’s a disappointment, yes.  Let’s turn it off now, as this is the time we chose.”  Then don’t waver.  It’s a gift to Eli to hold your ground.  It makes you predictable, which is very helpful to him over the long term.

3. Give Eli heartfelt appreciation for turning off the game, even if he’s not cheerful about it.  “When you do as we planned, I feel relieved and relaxed.  Now we can both have a good night’s sleep.  Thank you, Eli.”

4. Remember that Eli doesn’t want to be out of control.  Deep down, when you are calm and certain about bedtime, he’s reassured. Again, it feels new to him to hear your calm voice, even though it’s a regular occurrence.

5. Let go of past incidents.  Talk to Eli about the game, how many points he has, what a feeling of accomplishment he gets from excelling at it, and how you feel accomplishment in your life.  This takes the fight out of the conversation about video games, and allows Eli to get perspective on it.  If you hold on to your authority over Eli, he needs to counter it.  If you just share your life with him, he can let go and make good decisions.  Again, there’s a feeling of newness.  That fresh interaction with you can help him ride a wave of cooperation.

Every present moment offers the opportunity to 1. connect with the feelings your child is having, 2. make a plan for when typical conflicts arise, 3. express heartfelt appreciation, 4.  present a calm and certain demeanor to your child, and 5. create a casual, interested conversation with your child that conveys, “I’m sharing my life with you” rather than “I’m in charge of you.”

Each step of parenting is a new learning experience.  We grow as our kids grow, and there’s nothing wrong with not knowing what to do or say when conflicts arise.  Give yourself a break if you blew it, but then resolve to improve the situation next time.  If you need help with this process, visit www.parentingmojo.com/parent-coaching for all the info on ways to set up an appointment and get started!